Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: Wake up.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 24, 2017
5-year-old: It’s too bright.
Me: It’s morning.
5: No thanks.
No One Listens Until I Yell: the name of my parenting memoir.— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) August 24, 2017
When I pictured myself having kids, there was a lot less screaming from everyone and way more time to take a shower.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) August 23, 2017
Fun first day of school photo idea: take it on the second day of school because you forgot how much angry yelling happens on the first day.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) August 22, 2017
Oh, you know, just trying to get comfy in the 3 inch space at the foot of MY king size bed that the children generously allowed me tonight.— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) August 24, 2017
Preschool form: When you need your child's attention, s/he responds well to:— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) August 23, 2017
Me: No idea. Can you lemme know if you stumble onto something?
Parenthood is waking up feeling like a normal person, then realizing you're pulling clean underwear from a drawer full of tiny human teeth.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 22, 2017
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 20, 2017
Doing an afternoon craft with my toddlers, more commonly known as "whose fucking stupid idea was this?"— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 22, 2017
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 22, 2017
Today, 2 is mad at me because I couldn't carry him to the car while also holding my bag, my coffee, and the 3,417 items he wanted to bring.— MumMumMommy 🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) August 23, 2017
"We don't eat houseplants!"— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 22, 2017
Toddlers are fun.
My daughter's preschool celebrated #Eclipse2017 on total lockdown because of the 100% chance of toddlers not following instructions.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) August 21, 2017
SON: MOMMA IS IT STILL MORNING— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 23, 2017
SON: CUZ IT FEELS LIKE I'VE BEEN UP FOR A LONG TIME
ME: trust me I know
8: What's being a dad like?— Mehdieval Times (@TheAlexNevil) August 22, 2017
Me: Like a roller coaster that never stops
8: What's being married like?
M: Same thing but without a safety bar
I've got 99 meal options but my kid hates every one.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 24, 2017
5y.o: "What's for dinner?"— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 19, 2017
Me: "It's veg-"
5: "-I don't want it."
Me: "I didn't even get to say it."
5: "It wasn't going anywhere good."
I told my toddler we can't talk in church so she started gesturing wildly, yelling, "SHHHHHH! NO TALKING!!!!" at the pastor.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) August 21, 2017
Me: How does an astronaut cut his hair?— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 22, 2017
Me: Eclipse it!
6yo: **blank stare**
Me: I'll be here all week.
6yo: I know.
Let's have kids so that we can sign them up for sports and wake up way too early on the weekend to go to tournaments.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 19, 2017
My baby is so sweet. She woke up 2hrs earlier than normal cause she knows it's my day off & wants me 2 b awake 4 every single hour of it.😴👶🏼— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) August 20, 2017
Starting to think my kid's dinosaur yearns for something more. pic.twitter.com/64wJRdQK5V— dadpression (@Dadpression) August 20, 2017
It's all fun & games until your kid comes home from their first day of school & says "fundraiser."— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 22, 2017
“WILL THIS DAY NEVER END?”— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) August 20, 2017
- Me, at 7:37 am
I always thought passcodes on phones were for if they got stolen, but they're really just to keep your kids out.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 24, 2017
My baby won't stay sleep, the sequel to the sequel to the sequel to the sequel to the sequel pic.twitter.com/Qd0KUBDKJC— dara tafakari (@TrulyTafakari) August 24, 2017