Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Parenting is 99% getting roasted by your kids.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) September 1, 2017
M: I'm so glad school started!— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 31, 2017
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Let's get married and have kids so instead of watching Game of Thrones you can tuck them in for the 5th time while I fold laundry.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2017
The kids and I decided to play a board game at breakfast because why not start the day with a fist fight?— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) August 29, 2017
[montage of my toddler violently entering my bedroom every morning]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 31, 2017
My kids have two volume settings:— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 30, 2017
1) Incoherent mumbling
2) Instantly deafening
My 6yo just yelled that he is 24% mad at me so, yes, math does have real world applications.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) August 30, 2017
My daughters are playing Barbies and one of them just said "Ken is wearing a Speedo to the wedding," and that's a wedding I need to attend.— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 26, 2017
I see your Game of Thrones Army of the Dead and raise you Teenagers Waking Up for School.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 28, 2017
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) August 29, 2017
*spends 5 hours packing & loading the car for family road trip— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) August 31, 2017
*child forgets to wear shoes
7: [from bed] MOM!— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 27, 2017
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
In hell you have 9 youth soccer games to attend everyday.— Difficult Mommy (@difficultmommy) August 25, 2017
Do you ever read classic children's stories to your children and just wonder to yourself which powerful narcotics the author was on?— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) August 31, 2017
1st day of school: *Walks kids to the bus, with packed lunches*— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) August 31, 2017
2nd week of school: *Yells at kids not to be late, from my bed*
We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're just going to take them to an IKEA instead.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 30, 2017
2000- Knows every single VMA-nominated artist, sings along to live acts.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2017
2017- As a parent, seeing the VMAs on TV: pic.twitter.com/R0zvVLqt4Z
Ran outta bread making lunches so one had to get the end piece— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 29, 2017
Deciding which kid got the crappy sandwich was the hardest mom decision ever
Being a parent means sometimes you say things like "I love you to the moon & back but if you don't sleep right now I will haunt your dreams"— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) August 26, 2017
"Don't play with your food," I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) August 31, 2017
5-year-old: I'm running away!— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2017
Me: *looks at the laundry* Take me with you.
Variety packs. So you can end up with only peach left and one kid crying.— Mary (@AnniemuMary) August 28, 2017
Kiddo's trying to use her birthday like diplomatic immunity. She thinks she can do anything because she's the "birthday girl."— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) August 30, 2017
MY 7YO (pointing at path thru bushes): I call that the secret path.— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) August 29, 2017
ME: I call it the nature walk.
MY 4YO: I call it the deer's bathroom.
Some kids slip "I love you" notes into parents' work bags, mine slipped a drawing of the gumball machine she wants and a "buy this" note.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) August 30, 2017