Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Welcome to parenthood. You now go through 15 loaves of bread per day— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 11, 2017
Almost everything in parenthood is way easier said than done.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) September 10, 2017
If you're going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 11, 2017
Just completed a study and found that 56% of my time at restaurants is spent taking my kids on field trips to the bathroom.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 11, 2017
Pro tip:— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) September 14, 2017
Ordering an "artisan" pizza makes you feel young & trendy again while watching Boss Baby with your kids for the 800th time.
My 3-year-old is pretending to read.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2017
She's saying the words to "Going on a Bear Hunt."
But she's holding "The Berenstain Bears."
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was to convince parents that a Hamper Hoop would get their kids to put dirty clothes in the laundry— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) September 13, 2017
Have kids so you can listen to miniature versions of yourself cry because you cut up a pancake instead of leaving it big.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 12, 2017
Forgot to mute my phone while on a conference call with my kids home and my boss gave me 3 extra weeks of vacation.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 13, 2017
I was trying to kill gnats in the bathroom and my kids thought I was just in there clapping for myself. I didn't bother to correct them.— HammBone (@hammbone84) September 12, 2017
Have two kids so when one is asleep you can be awake entertaining the other one.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) September 12, 2017
My 2.5 y/o son has announced that he too, has a baby in his belly, named Eric, and Eric will be born on Friday, & he will sleep in his bed.— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) September 12, 2017
The universal sign of a parent's car:— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) September 12, 2017
Gold Fish crackers or Cheerios everywhere.
Me: Can you please go get your brother for dinner?— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 14, 2017
Daughter: [Gets up, walks into room, stands next to me, screams his name] TIME FOR DINNER
A parenting manual but it's just a long list of places to hide the tape.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) September 13, 2017
If getting a 3AM round-house kick to the face as your child gets into your bed sounds fun, then have a kid. Have many.— Say You, Say Meh (@TheAlexNevil) September 13, 2017
Parenting a 5 year old is seeing a commercial for a shower seat and thinking "Man, I've gotta get me one of those"— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) September 14, 2017
A Rube Goldberg machine for getting my 4yo another goddamned drink.— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 14, 2017
I want it! What is it?— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) September 11, 2017
I want a shirt that says "I survived back to school night."— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) September 15, 2017