Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Ah yes, the day after mother's day. Back to not being appreciated by the tiny food terrorists in my house.— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) May 14, 2018
I wish I had the optimism of parents who dress their kids in white.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 16, 2018
"Parenting" is calmly explaining to a crying toddler that their head is still attached to their body after they put on their shirt by themselves for the first time.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) May 14, 2018
Running from the house as soon as the sitter arrives is my cardio.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 16, 2018
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people...or?”— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 14, 2018
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me, to other parents: We try to limit screentime to two hours a day at most.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 12, 2018
Me, to my toddler: Here’s my Netflix password, don’t wake me before noon.
Once you have kids who can drive & go to the store for you, that’s when your life really begins.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 15, 2018
10% of parenthood is trying to figure out what smells.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 12, 2018
One good remedy for the sadness of seeing your kids grow up so fast is fighting them back into bed for the 4th time in under a half hour.— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) May 13, 2018
On the 5th time I’m gonna meet them at the stairs with their bags packed for college.
There’s a special place in hell for Caillou.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 16, 2018
So many mother's day traditions, but none as close to my heart as my husband screaming at my kids to get out of the kitchen while he cooks.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) May 13, 2018
Son: Why is it called "hanging up" when you end a phone call? Phones don't hang anywhere.— The Dad (@thedad) May 15, 2018
Me: *curling up into the fetal position*
13yo: I'm writing a song about William IV.— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) May 14, 2018
13yo: Exactly. It's called 'The King That No One Remembers."
Oh good, we were all hoping you would throw an over the top elaborate themed graduation party for your kindergartner.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 15, 2018
If you enjoy listening to the TV at volume one million, then parenthood is probably right for you.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 14, 2018
Welcome to your son’s 8th birthday, you’re a GameStop rewards member now.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 16, 2018
5-year-old: I'm missing a toe!— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2018
5: Never mind. I miscounted.
We just got a trampoline; can’t wait for the hours of fun family bonding in the Urgent Care waiting room.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 15, 2018
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 15, 2018
Hear ye, hear ye! It has been decreed by my 8yo that a bar of soap shall henceforth be known as a loaf of soap.— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 12, 2018
It takes about 3 gallons of paint to paint a room, or a single packet of ketchup for a toddler to paint an entire house.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 12, 2018