Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
SEPTEMBER: *creates tiny forest creatures out of vegetables and cheese* hope you like them, sweetheart!— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 30, 2018
MAY: *crams frozen Stouffer’s lasagna into lunch box* JUST ASK THE LUNCH LADY TO TOSS IT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 6 MINUTES, WE’RE GONNA MISS THE BUS LET’S GO
It’s the first day of summer break and my kids are on #72 of the 75 fun summer activities we had planned.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 29, 2018
Parenting is a lot easier if you are comfortable with bribery and lies.— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) May 29, 2018
So, glad it's summer so we can finally relax.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 25, 2018
Also me: STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER NON-STOP no you don't need another snack get down from there NO WE CAN'T DO A LEMONADE STAND you aren't hungry be quiet.
When someone without kids asks, “What do you like to do with your free time?” pic.twitter.com/kuXSMyZLPQ— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 30, 2018
Hey bowl,— my name is no. (@om_eye_goodness) May 29, 2018
I dgaf if you’re not dishwasher safe.
I’m a mom of three. I got shit to do.
You’re goin in.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
Me: I was thinking we could plant a garden this summer. What should we grow?— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 24, 2018
Me: *pulls summer school flyer out of recycling bin*
My 8yo: I don't like movies - they're too long— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 31, 2018
Also my 8yo: *watches 2-hr long Minecraft YouTube video without budging
5yo: Mommy, can you play Candyland with only 2 people?— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 30, 2018
Me, tentatively: Yes….
5yo: Okay. We’re not gonna play Candyland, I just wanted to know.
I’ve never loved her more.
I think the people who made the rule that kids need to be in school for 180 days should be required to come to your home and get your kids out of bed during the last month.— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) June 1, 2018
My 3-year-old came running in to give me this bracelet she made at preschool. She said it was for me. It's the first gift she's ever given me of her own will. I bent down and gave her a hug. My heart welled up with fatherly love. 3 minutes later, she asked for it back. pic.twitter.com/WiTM6SP2WI— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) May 29, 2018
I try not to cuss in front of my kids, but I sure talk about a lot of mother truckers.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 30, 2018
Meeting with preschools today. AKA finding the nicest school for my DAUGHTER TO POOP IN pic.twitter.com/fzyIjUkw9V— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 31, 2018
Nothing strikes fear and panic into the heart of a parent like a lost sippy cup with milk in it.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 1, 2018
I wish kids had background music so we knew when they were doing something bad.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 26, 2018
My kids talk about the 1980s the same way I talk about the 1700s.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 1, 2018
Every single conversation I have— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 1, 2018
with my kids pic.twitter.com/osbJEa8E7B
Doctor: Are you eating well?— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) May 29, 2018
*flashback to son stealing my orange and daughter drinking half my smoothie at breakfast*
"No, but my kids are."
*Joins sleep study to get a full night's rest away from my kids*— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 31, 2018