Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
There should be more parenting books on ways to play with your children while you’re lying on the couch.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 3, 2018
Of COURSE I’ll miss you terribly and think of you often while you’re at school today, my little darlings!— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 5, 2018
[stops throwing confetti just long enough to set timer so I don’t forget to pick them up after school]
My school drop off aesthetic is “why yes, this is the shirt I slept in.”— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) September 4, 2018
My cat sat on the surge protector behind the TV and turned it off.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 4, 2018
At least someone in this house is setting screen time limits.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 6, 2018
6-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2018
Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?
6: I only read the classics.
Parenthood’s like having jet lag that just never goes away.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) September 5, 2018
Arrived late for the first day of school because it’s important to stick to a consistent routine with kids.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 5, 2018
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 6, 2018
In parenting, there are few non life-threatening situations more anxiety-inducing than watching a tiny human crack an egg.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) September 4, 2018
*middle of the night— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 4, 2018
8yo: I can’t sleep
Translation: I’m going to fall asleep in 2 min, but you’ll get no more sleep the rest of the night. Enjoy work tomorrow!
Dear Fortnite, I hope now that school has started you aren’t too lonely. My kids will come back to you around 3:30pm.— eric (@ericsshadow) September 4, 2018
This new car I bought isn't big enough because I can still hear my kids throw tantrums in the backseat.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 2, 2018
Between my two kids, I have 15 teachers to see at Open House tonight. I’m going to set up my own table in the gym.— Mary (@AnniemuMary) September 5, 2018
Nothing is worse than reading your kid a bedtime story and flipping to a page with a bunch of words.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 3, 2018
Found my son’s lunch box after 2 1/2 months of summer break.— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) September 2, 2018
Opened it and oh! Look!
Now there’s a petting zoo.
Friend: The baby’s not sleeping so I’m not sleeping.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) September 4, 2018
Me: It’s just a phase, don’t worry.
Friend: Oh thank god.
Me: I’m kidding. You’re never sleeping again.
Parenting is weird because watching your child enthusiastically eat something for 10 minutes before saying it’s “too spicy” feels like a win— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) September 2, 2018
I made my kids do positive affirmations this morning and found out that if someone rolls their eyes hard enough it makes a sound.— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) September 5, 2018
It's uncanny how kids wish they would have ordered the meal their parents ordered 100% of the time they go a restaurant.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 2, 2018