Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
my toddler: *picks up a delivery menu* look it’s a pizza magazine— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) September 8, 2018
My husband and I shouted at the kids to go back to bed at the same time and that’s the closest we’ve come to a date night in weeks.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) September 13, 2018
My 4-year-old said, "You can't stop me, I'm made of bones," and I just let her go because I've never heard anything so metal in my life.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2018
One of the hardest parts of parenting is pretending you like vegetables— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) September 9, 2018
Me: Do that thing I like— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 9, 2018
Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]
Name your youngest so their first initial can be transformed on their older sibling’s gym uniform.— Mary (@AnniemuMary) September 12, 2018
Leaving the house increases fuckery in children by 200%— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 13, 2018
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 12, 2018
Sorry, kids, I don’t make the rules!— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) September 12, 2018
-me, responding to my children’s complaints about rules I 100% made up.
Nothing says “I’ve got this parenting thing under control!” like using my son’s last juice box as a mixer.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 10, 2018
8yo: *walks in front door* Hello?! Anyone here?— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 14, 2018
Me: I’m here, buddy
8yo: Oh, YOU again
"What do you want for breakfast?"— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) September 13, 2018
12: toast and jam.
"What do you want for breakfast?"
12: toast and jam.
I know! I'll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don't like that.
For my next trick, I will make my children disappear by requesting they try on clothes from last year to see which ones fit.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 11, 2018
My son is learning to shower:— Mommy Narrated (@MommyNarrated) September 13, 2018
6: how much shampoo do I use?
Me: the size of a pea.
(Hears pump after pump being shot out of the jug)
Me: how much did you use? Sounds like a lot.
6: have you ever seen how much I pee in the morning?
My four year old gave me an imaginary present and than took it back from me because he wanted to play with it.— dadpression (@Dadpression) September 12, 2018
Kids, while husband is driving: (chanting) MCDONALDS MCDONALDS MCDONALDS— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) September 13, 2018
Me: Kids, knock it off right now.
Me: (chanting) STARBUCKS STARBUCKS STARBUCKS
Discovered a new use for my dad-issued cargo pants: Mobile storage for cell phones I confiscate from my kids.— Dad Bits (@DadBits) September 10, 2018
I'm mostly electronics at this point.
5: *playing quietly*— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) September 11, 2018
Me: Oh no sweetie, Daddy is still sleeping. How about you go play the drums?
Can always tell when the kids make pancakes because the stove looks like the mafia was interrogating the Pillsbury Doughboy.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 13, 2018