The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Dec. 29-Jan. 4)

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 30, 2018

Jan 1, 12:01am: "My 2019 resolution is to be more patient with my kids, & to yell less."

Jan 1, 2019, 7am: pic.twitter.com/iynPeFZlPE

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 31, 2018

A good reason to have kids is to always have someone that can point out your physical flaws while waiting in a checkout line.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 3, 2019

If you didn't lay hands upon your child's head and ask that they reveal the names of their demons, did you even Winter Break?

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 3, 2019

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 30, 2018

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 29, 2018

A kid at daycare had lice and my wife is now a tea tree oil version of Rambo.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 4, 2019

I asked my kids if they had any resolutions for the new year, and my daughter said she wanted to “eat Nutella every day.”
Yeah, she’s definitely mine.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 31, 2018

Childless friend: Dude our cat is so destructive. It’s gonna ruin our couch someday
Me pulling a bag of flour and shattered iPad out of the dryer: Oh wow sorry to hear that man

— The Dad (@thedad) December 29, 2018

My New Year’s Eve plans can best be described as “hope to be awake until at least 10pm.”

— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) December 31, 2018

I wish I needed anything as badly as my kids need all of my attention the second I lock the bathroom door.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2019

List of things my kids are willing to eat:
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— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 3, 2019

asked my son what his favorite part of aquaman was & he said “the part with the water” so maybe it’s time we reevaluate common core

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 3, 2019

Just yelled “FINISH YOUR DINNER - THIS SALAD MIX WASN’T ON SALE!”

So far nothing there’s new in 2019.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 3, 2019

*hides toy for child to find in her pack n’ play.

**adds Animal Enrichment Specialist to resumé.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) January 2, 2019

An educational thing I like to do when I go to an aquarium with my kids is to point out the fish that are most delicious.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 4, 2019

People say “your kids don’t need a perfect mom, they need a happy one.” And I’m like “well shit, maybe they shouldn’t wake me up 3 times a night if they want a happy mom.”

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) January 4, 2019

My 11yo just asked me for some alcohol and a syringe and honestly that’s not even the most alarming request she’s made so far this week.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) December 30, 2018

My eldest child googled me today. I write to you all from beyond the grave.

— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) January 4, 2019

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) January 3, 2019

The scene in Bird Box where Malorie feeds her kids Pop Tarts as their serving of fruit for the day is every mom who has run out of shits to give by 5pm.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 31, 2018