The longer you’ve been married, the more you realize that many of the weird things you and your spouse do are actually quite common among other couples.
You’re not the only ones who brag to each other about all the household chores you’ve completed, build passive-aggressive pillow walls in bed and have legitimate arguments about whether you should start a new show on Netflix or rewatch “The Office” for the umpteenth time.
Below, we’ve gathered 28 relatable tweets that will ring true to married folks.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 17, 2018
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 9, 2018
Wife: There is something wrong with you
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 13, 2018
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson
*Sees pictures of husband when he was younger*
— Starchily Master (@StarchilyMaster) May 2, 2018
“I’d hit that*
I bought a dozen doughnuts for me and my wife.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2018
She said, "Oh, good. We'll have leftovers."
Then we both laughed.
134% of marriage is telling your husband NO, he is NOT sick.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) November 18, 2018
“I don’t have the authority to make that decision.”
— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) November 12, 2018
My stock answer when someone asks me if my wife and I would like to do something.
[husband opening refrigerator]
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) November 25, 2018
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
— Yaron Melman (@NrouteHQ) November 25, 2018
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My wife and I have his and hers closets, which is another way of saying my wife has two closets.
— John sleeps on the couch (@atomicmojo) November 16, 2018
It is impossible for my husband to drive by a gas station without announcing the price of gas.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 19, 2018
Me: Your blinker has been on for like 20 minutes
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) November 25, 2018
Wife: DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE
My wife called because she had a flat tire. I immediately drove out to her and held the flashlight while she changed it.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 14, 2018
Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) November 20, 2018
Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders
Wife: Wait
My husband unloaded the dishwasher so I guess now it’s time to have a parade for him
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) November 11, 2018
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 7, 2018
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
ME: Hi. I'm in the gym parking lot.
— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 13, 2018
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My husband sure naps a lot for a person who gets a hell of a lot more sleep than I do.
— Mom (@OhThatMomGlow) November 4, 2018
Marriage unlocks the more advanced level of Netflix and chill: argue over Netflix and sleep.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) November 9, 2018
One fun Christmas tradition we have is waking up tomorrow and getting to see where my wife moved all the ornaments we hung on the tree today.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 26, 2018
I need another pillow to make the wall higher, I can still see you on your side of the bed.
— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) November 21, 2018
~Married sext
Therapist: what’s your greatest fear?
— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) November 18, 2018
Wife: that we’ll outlive our kids.
Me: the Pillsbury biscuit container.
Therapist: um what?
Me: I can’t tell when it’s gonna pop open. it really freaks me out.
Wife: I want to change my answer to that.
[during sex]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 10, 2018
wife: This doesn’t mean that I like you
If my wife happens to ask, please say it’s normal for the house to shake when the furnace turns on.
— Fransplaining (@fransplaining) November 20, 2018
If a book of Dad Jokes came to life it would be my husband.
— Jo (@Just__J0) November 25, 2018
Husband: you’re not shaving your legs anymore?
— AnxiousMomma (@anxiousmommaof2) November 8, 2018
Me: I can’t, it’s no shave November and I’m winning.
70% if marriage is informing your spouse what you cleaned that day.
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) November 17, 2018
“Did you see I did the dishes?”
“I did. Did you see I cleaned the living room? Like, I didn’t clean it all the way but you can definitely see I worked on it. “
“Yeah. You can’t tell but I did some laundry.”
My wife and I have taken four photos together in the last two years, meanwhile we have ninety three photos of our dog sleeping since last week.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 22, 2018
Before You Go
