This is the second installment of our two part series on "Grit", defined by Webster as "indomitable spirit; resourceful courage and daring in the face of difficulty."
In case you're wondering about what in the world would be sufficiently challenging to require such great strength of will and intention, the answer, which probably won't surprise you, is "Relationships." Specifically, primary relationships and committed partnerships. If you don't have to ask "Why?" then you've probably had enough experience in that territory to know the answer to that question. Intimate relationships tend to test, challenge, and stretch us in ways that nothing else in life can. In addition to grit, they also require compassion, understanding, perseverance, a good sense of humor, responsibility, and a couple of dozen other character strengths to optimize their potential. To assist you in accepting the challenge of bringing greater grit into your life, we're offering eight guidelines that you might want to think about, or better yet, embody!
- Hang in there.
The temptation to quit can be particularly strong when the going gets tough in relationships, and when we set our sights high, there are always going to be times when our commitment is tested. When he was asked what the secret of life was, the philosopher and spiritual teacher Ken Keyes said, "Just don't quit." Wise words.
Viktor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning, stated that "The one thing that cannot be taken from a man [or woman] is the power to determine his attitude in any given situation." We all possess the power to choose the perspective from which we view things in our life. We can look through lenses of pessimism or optimism, hopefulness or despair, purposefulness or purposelessness, gratitude or grievance, possibility or resignation, goals or obstacles. It really is a choice.
Perfection requires adherence to what is usually an arbitrary and external criterion and in most cases impossible to attain. Excellence has to do with the trust that we have given the best that we have to our chosen project. Perfection is about adhering to a program or set of expectations that we have internalized from someone else. Excellence is about acting with with impeccability.
For every intention we have there are always counter or competing commitments. The desire to be free competes with our desire for connection. The desire to lose weight competes with our desire to experience the pleasure and other benefits we receive from indulging our appetite. The desire for a great relationship competes with our desire to be in control, to maximize freedom, be right or dozens of other desires. The first step in this process has to do with honestly identifying the competition and then coming to terms with the situation in a way that honors both sides of the equation.
Many of us have done our best to try to minimize and even eliminate risk in our lives. While indiscriminate risk-taking can be hazardous to your health and well-being, the cultivation of grit requires the willingness to engage in practices that may be outside of our comfort zone or that are unfamiliar. Conscious and responsible risk-taking is an essential aspect this process. The tried and true practices that got us to this point in our lives are not likely to get us any further. Playing the edge is an acquired taste and if done skillfully mean the difference between success and failure.
None of the people featured in Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers got to where they are on their own. They each cultivated communities of support along the way. The presence of support is one of the things that enables us to be more willing to take risks as it provides us with a sense that even when we experience loss or failure in the process our commitment continues because it is shared with others. Feeling "the wind beneath our wings," also allows us to more fully trust that we can recover from the inevitable pitfalls along the way because we are not alone.
You'll not only learn how they did it but you'll see that they all had their personal challenges and obstacles to contend with.
"The moment that one definitely commits oneself then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never have otherwise have occurred. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!"
Our third book! Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams
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