Nothing plagues efforts toward creating a life characterized by serenity and contentment more than self-loathing. Attempts to loosen the grip of self-repugnance are thwarted by two significant psychological dynamics. The first is denial and the second is trying to vault our psyches into the garden of self-love, catapulted by positive affirmations. Ultimately, we cannot make believe (denial) self-loathing doesn't exist nor decide nice thoughts will emancipate us from self-abuse.
In order to leave an undesirable place, we must be willing to acknowledge we are currently at that place. In order to let go of what we want to relinquish, we must be willing to claim it before we can release it. We can familiarize ourselves with some of the likely indicators of self-loathing and some of its purposes as a way to acknowledge it and claim it. The seeds of self-love are planted in the compost of acknowledging and claiming self-loathing.
Possible Indicators of Self-Loathing
*Unlimited Ambition -- I sometimes refer to this indicator as the Sisyphus Syndrome, referring to Sisyphus of Greek Mythology who was condemned to roll a rock up a hill for eternity, only to see the rock repeatedly roll back down the hill. This indicator is not simply about having some goal to achieve. It is about being driven to achieve, characterized by inordinate amounts of time and energy as other parts of our lives go seriously compromised. Each achievement offers a temporary respite from the bite of self-loathing. However, on the coattails of each success is the bite of self-hatred, driving us feverishly toward the next goal.
*Unlimited Giving -- This selfless activity aims at procuring the favor of others as a boost out of self-loathing. It makes us dependent upon others noticing our boundless altruism and if they don't, they run the risk of being the object of our resentment. It can also be exhausting and we will at least unconsciously expect to be compensated for our limitless capacity to make offerings. More resentment is likely when that doesn't happen.
*Self-Righteousness -- This is a likely compensation for living in disdain for the self. Temporary relief comes as we elevate our character above the crowd.
*Diminished Accountability -- Being accountable becomes severely challenging as a mistake is often accompanied by shame. Justifying and explaining take the place of genuine responsibility.
*Attachment to Perfectionism -- Striving to have our work and decisions reflect some idealized state is another way to compensate for self-hatred.
*Constant Inner Voices of Self-Ridicule -- Ongoing self-admonishment is often a poor motivator for keeping us from making the same mistake.
*Constant Inner Voices of Self-Ridicule -- Ongoing self-admonishment is viewed as an effective motivator for keeping us from making the same mistakes.
*Little or No Investment in Self-forgiveness -- Self-forgiveness is not considered a viable approach when making mistakes or when violating our own values.
*Feeling Numb -- Suppressing feelings of shame and inadequacy become preferable to the ache of emotional oppression. However, typically the rest of our emotional life goes somewhat frozen. Numbing aids such as alcohol, prescription drugs, street drugs, gambling, sugar and workaholism are often employed.
Purposes of Self-Loathing
Once we are able to identify our experience of self-loathing, it can be advantageous to explore its purpose. Power to release ourselves from self-loathing is enhanced immensely when we can clarify its purpose. Here are some common purposes of self-loathing.
*Loyalty to the Past -- Since there are no perfect parents, and other authority figures, we all experienced some degree of emotional abuse or neglect. Self-loathing allows us to remain connected to the historical perpetrators. We treat ourselves the way they treated us. We postpone a much needed separation from where we come from.
*Remaining Risk Averse -- The more we build a case why we are damaged goods, the more testimony we have for the inappropriateness for taking risks. Risk-taking is then defined as doomed for failure.
*Avoiding Living Life on Life's Terms -- As we define ourselves as incompetent to face life's challenges, we either take up residency as a victim of life and/or protest life's inevitable pain and discomfort. We exempt ourselves from learning how to be fully alive, condemning ourselves to an un-lived life.
*Indulging In Being Someone Especially Damaged -- The ego is alert to a myriad of ways to get its needs met. It is willing to bask in feeling either positively or negatively special. Being so undesirable should entitle one to some kindness and mercy, and maybe, even the recipient of someone's heroic attempt at rescuing or saving us. When this wretched state is fully operational, there may even be the expectation that others will love us in lieu of loving ourselves.
Desiring to improve a relationship with ourselves is very similar to bettering a relationship with another person. It would be meaningless to simply begin uttering positive statements about one another without addressing where it is that the relationship has been breaking down. Self-love also calls for a review of how our relationship to ourselves has broken down, especially the role of self-loathing. We begin by becoming more mindful of how self-loathing lives in our lives and its alleged purposes. From that vantage point, healing is possible as we gradually learn to welcome more compassion for the self.
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