Hail, Big Mac, The Lord Is With Thee

06/28/2017 10:39 am ET Updated Jun 28, 2017
Reuters

Did you know that the fabric of the American family is being torn asunder by a McDonald’s french fry box? Well, it is! -- according to Mission: America’s Linda Harvey, that is.

A little background: McDonald’s restaurants in San Francisco and Washington DC are offering up fries in a rainbow-festooned box to coincide with Gay Pride Month. The limited-edition fry boxes are, according to Cathy Martin, co-chair of McDonald’s PRIDE network, “a fun way to show our support of the LGBTQ community.”

Linda Harvey does not share in the fun. She has labelled the company’s new design as “anti-family” and sinful. [To remind you of Linda’s expertise on this subject, you may recall that she also believed that Dorito’s rainbow chips were linked to child sex abuse.]

Linda has a way with words. Here are some of those words in her recent Mission: America statement calling for a McDonald’s boycott:

“Haven’t we all had it up to here with companies promoting the homosexual and gender confusion agendas, as if they’re doing something wonderful? They are doing something extremely harmful, especially when they have customers who are families and children by implying that these are valid and acceptable behaviors when they are not … All this bowing before Homosexual Shame month, which is what it should be called, and this theft of the rainbow, is really disturbing … When everyone around us, or so it seems, is slapping rainbows on sin, we need to remember God’s big picture.”

Let’s break that down, beat by beat, shall we?

“we all”

No. Linda: your limited, spiteful, hurtful attitude does not represent “all” of us.

“homosexual agenda”

You have “had it up to here” with a marginalized community who wants to be treated equally? And you call yourself a Christian? Compassion for the marginalized is at the core of Christ’s teaching, isn’t it?

“gender confusion agenda”

There is no one, nowhere, pushing an agenda to promote confusion about gender. Transgender people are not confused; they know who they are. Linda, you are the confused one here.

“companies … doing something wonderful”

Businesses do not promote to the LGBTQ community to do something wonderful. Fundamentally, they want people to buy their products. LGBTQ people are people. People who buy stuff. Stuff that businesses are selling.

“customers who are families”

Families are not exclusive to the Christian, heterosexual community. It may be shocking to Linda but LGBTQ people belong to families, too.

“customers who are … children”

Children are not exclusive to the Christian, heterosexual community. It may be shocking to Linda but LGBTQ adults were children once, too. Oh, and, believe it or not, they may have children of their own.

“implying that these are valid and acceptable behaviors when they are not”

So, Linda … are you implying that my actions are invalid? My existence is unacceptable? What does that even mean? As much as you hate it, my gay ass exists. You cannot invalidate that. I participate in the world. As the wise philosopher Noxeema Jackson once noted, “Approval neither desired nor required.”

“Homosexual Shame month”

Clever. Your rapier-like wit has eviscerated LGBTQ pride and wounded us where it hurts. [Linda: I know you are not well-versed in gaybonics, but that is what is known as sarcasm, or “sass.”]

“theft of the rainbow”

Rainbows are not exclusive to the Christian, heterosexual community. It may be shocking to Linda but LGBTQ people have just as much right to the rainbow as anybody else.

“disturbing”

Rape is disturbing. Abuse is disturbing. Murder is disturbing. French fry boxes are not disturbing.

“slapping rainbows on sin”

May I counter with this? -- You are “slapping crosses on prejudice.” How does that feel?

“God’s big picture”

Linda: do you honestly believe that you, a mortal human being, have the perception to comprehend the wholeness of the divine? And, even if you did, do you think that “God’s big picture” concerns itself with the design of a french fry box at an American fast-food restaurant?

Big Mac, hallowed be thy name. Give us this day our daily fries, and forgive us our rainbow boxes. Amen.

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