Christmas is a time to spread love, kindness, and, if you're smart about it, your ideology. Try these activities with your friends and family this holiday season to bring the light of the one true faith into their lives.
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Young children love writing Christmas wish lists to Santa, then mailing them off to his magical workshop in the North Pole; use that natural excitement to create a teachable moment!
Clarify for them why asking for handouts is both morally wrong and worse, un-American. Reinforce the lesson by explaining the suspiciously socialist and likely unionized working conditions in the North Pole. If they're still unclear on the issue, refuse to mail their letters, as Post Offices are funded by taxpayer dollars, even though it's clear that the free market could step in to provide a better version of the services they offer.
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It's time to reclaim the movement of multi-sided tops and the games of chance we play with them.
This year, we need to restore honor to dreidel.
One quick way to do so? Replace the idolatrous image of Imam Hussein Gimel with a picture of the real reason for the season.
I speak, of course, of Rand Paul.
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Why not bring the family together with some lovely caroling? The following options will remind you of all your childhood favorites, but without all the pesky socialist propaganda:
What Language Do You Speak? To be sung to the tune of "What Child is This? (Greensleeves)"
[VERSE]
What child is this,
who lays at rest?
His laziness is appalling.
Let's make him pack
Then send him back
To the border o'er which he came crawling.
[CHORUS]
Anchor baby, it isn't fair
That we should pay for your healthcare.
Change immigration policy
So we're not stuck with more such babies.
[VERSE 2]
Your parents came
To take our jobs,
The good ones, like migrant farming.
What sort of country
Would we be,
If we didn't find newcomers alarming?
[CHORUS]
Away in Main Street America To be sung to the tune of "Away in a Manger"
[VERSE 1]
Way out on the East Coast, the liberal states
Are daring to propose we hike our tax rates
In order to pay for their socialist goals
Like schools and policemen and fixing potholes.
[VERSE 2]
Out here in the suburbs we're all quite aware
Of all the abuses of those on welfare.
We'll voice our demands, which we're certain aren't petty,
Because, dammit, we've been taxed enough already!
This Carol Welcomes ALL Races To be sung to the tune of "Good King Wenceslas"
[VERSE 1]
Palin and Glenn Beck spoke out,
To the seething masses
Gathered in from just about
All the middle classes
Carefully they did obscure
Overt racial reference
Though they know America's cure
Lies in more white preference
[VERSE 2]
Beck will end any debate
Against a white Jesus
And Palin will refudiate
All those that do not please us
Christmastime with Fox and friends
Is a joyful season
If you follow groundswell trends
And abandon reason!