Every time I order food at a quick-service restaurant, I rehearse the order in my mind over and over again before making it to the cashier.
While my friends are busy, you know, actually thinking about what they want, I'm busy thinking about what I'm going to say, what they're going to say, whether I'm going to hand them the card on the left or right side of the cashier, my response to the "for here" or "to go" question, whether I'm going to ask them for any kind of sauces, and how the heck I'm going to look to everyone else that MUST be watching me giving my order.
Spoiler alert: I have social anxiety.
Surprisingly I just figured that out a few days ago. It explains why I was always so scared to meet my girlfriend's parents, why I hated giving speeches in class, and why I sweat through my shirt every time I go on job interviews. I don't really sweat through my shirt.
For the uninitiated, social anxiety is when you're scared of being judged by people while out and about or in social interactions. Many times when I go to the mall or something I feel like I have a spotlight following me the entire time. I can't turn it off. There's nothing I can do, really.
The more I read about it, the more the dots connect in my own life.
Something called developmental social anxiety happens when you're a kid. That's why so many children are shy, and it's a stage that MOST kids grow out of. However sometimes they don't grow out of it. Sometimes it persists through our teenage years and into adulthood.
It makes sense that a similar situation happened to me, because I was bullied pretty heavily in elementary school.
Instead of worrying about important things, my mind agonizes over the most trivial moments of my day.
I used to hate seeing old friends of mine, but it wasn't because of them. I realize now that it's because of social anxiety. It's because I have this fear that we'll sit there awkwardly not knowing what the hell to say to one another, and that they have this hidden anger towards me because I haven't spoken to them in years. Those in my life ask me why I'm like this--it's a complete mystery to them.
I have the answer now.
I literally just have a severe case of social anxiety. I always have.
That's what made meeting my girlfriend's parents so unbearable. Instead of enjoying the conversation, I'm two steps behind thinking about whether I did that one thing right, or whether I could've done that better, and what they're thinking of me five minutes after meeting them. I'm not focused on pertinent questions, I'm thinking about literally everything else!
Social anxiety.
That's why I was always so quiet all the time. That's why whenever I go to a large social gathering I really don't know what to do.
I feel a lot of pressure, especially from significant others, that I need to be this renaissance man who can work a room like a politician and then later wow guests by juggling flaming chainsaws in the corner before cooking up a five star meal for the entire party to enjoy.
Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I just want to be silent. Many times I want to use my words sparingly because they actually mean something to me.
People always turn their heads when I tell them I'm an introvert. You would think I just told them that grass was red or something. And then when they see me quiet in large social gatherings they think that something is wrong with me. Well, there isn't. It's who I am.
But I don't want to end this story here.
I honestly think I've managed to get over social anxiety in my own way, and I'll tell you how: I put myself in situations that scared the hell out of me. And then I kept doing it.
A year ago I would've been absolutely scared to death of an in-person interview.
In fact, three years ago I had a nervous breakdown in one of my classes. No joke it was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was asked a question that I wasn't prepared for and I went off on a tangent for about 60 seconds before fizzling out and mumbling indiscernibles to a class of 30 people.
It got real.
But what if I told you that two months ago I had a fabulous conversation on the phone with the screenwriter of The Princess and the Frog? What if I told you that I traveled the country this summer--hostel stays with strangers included--for four months on end? That's right, I'm no longer that scared of seeing people I used to know.
I got over it, guys.
From nervous breakdowns to interviewing childhood idols.
I did it, and I honestly think that you could too with time. Maybe not everybody can, but I'm here to tell you that it's not always the end.