When I was 43 I had a miscarriage. Admittedly, my pregnancy was neither planned nor expected. My husband and I were shocked because frankly, we were discussing pension plans over pacifiers and travel over toddlers.
We both have children from our previous marriages, my youngest being 11 and my husband's eldest, 25. Adding to our brood of 6 was the last thing on our minds.
Yet here we were. It had been so long since I had taken a pregnancy test I had to Google which one to buy and the easiest to use. When it came up positive, I figured I did it wrong so I ran back to the store to buy two more.
When my OB (who for the last ten years had only done annuals and orders for my mammograms), started talking about referrals to a perinatologist because of my age related high risk, I felt even more concern. He spoke of chromosomes, birth defects, the probability of my liver disease returning and the potential for a difficult and/or premature birth.
Nevertheless, my husband and I decided maybe retirement could wait a few years. We chose to embrace this life-changing event and felt we would adapt as needed.
We even went to the bad place of choosing names: Jack for a boy and Anna for a girl. We had all the kids around the table and announced we were expecting. Everyone thought we were pulling a prank because, "How do old people still get pregnant?"
After multiple blood tests, my doctor called to report my HCG levels weren't increasing and that I should plan on miscarrying within the next few days. I was shocked over how devastated I was and when my husband arrived home, we cried.
Three days later I miscarried in the frozen food aisle of Trader Joe's. Due to complications I ended up requiring surgery. My recovery was long and arduous, both mentally and physically.
Here we are one year later and all I feel is relief. Relief over the fact we didn't have to start over. Relief that the health of our child and my personal health aren't an issue. Relief that toddlers and teenagers aren't colliding.
Do I sound selfish? Probably. But this I know. I know that I feel immense gratitude for the weeks my husband and I shared a child together. I feel gratitude that our loss brought us closer and I feel thankfulness that our little one won't know suffering. I am thankful that in the midst of adversity I discovered my husband to be completely unfailing in his love and support. It allowed me to see a side of him that made me love him even more.
The opportunity to love a new little person and to fully embrace the moment regardless of the outcome brought growth and healing in me as a woman. Even though our time together was short I will always count this portion of my life as a gift, thanks to a brief encounter with grace.