How The “Friend Zone” Almost Cost Me My Marriage

Had I kept my husband in the "friend zone" I would've never experienced the happiest day of my life.
Had I kept my husband in the "friend zone" I would've never experienced the happiest day of my life.

Had I kept my husband in the friend zone, I would probably be another super amazing single woman without any luck in men, love, and relationships.

The friend zone. Our safe little way of keeping guys that we like close by without getting too close. In other words, we place our guy friends whom we “like” in this zone but we’ll never end up “like liking” them (there’s a difference).

Most guys are placed in the friend zone because they aren’t attractive.

Most guys are off limits and thus, by default, they can be seen only as friends.

Some girls are unable to get what they want out of guys and therefore, place them into the “friend zone” until they find someone else who will meet their needs.

It sucks. I know.

But what if you’ve already met Mr. Right and casually misplaced him in the “friend zone”?

This one tiny move almost cost me my marriage.

In 2011, I finally decided that I was completely done with the dating scene. I was wasting all of my time and money and continued to get hurt by guys I would allow into my life (and heart) when I KNEW they weren’t good for me. So rather than date a bunch of douche-bags, I waited to run into my Mr. Right.

This season of my life helped me not only find myself but to really discover what I wanted (and needed) in life also.

I first met my husband in church (which is VERY rare these days!) My initial thought when I saw him was,

“He’s cute! Oh, but he probably has kids, a baby momma! There is no way that he could ever be good for me.”

Because of this “first impression”, I continued to work on myself and dismissed any ideas of getting to know “super cute, single-dad”.

We met again later that year in the spring. Turns out he did not have kids, and he was simply trying to get his life together as well. Over time, my husband and I developed a friendship while serving the Lord together.

As I continued to get to know him, I continued to pick apart anything and everything he did, while comparing him to what I was usually attracted to.

“This guy could never be the guy for me. He is just way too opposite of what I’m attracted to. It would never work out! I’m sure he would make some girl very happy someday.”

While there were some things about him that deemed him boyfriend-worthy (such as his looks & his ultra intense love for sports), he didn’t possess enough “edge” to make me want him.

The thing about placing guys in the “friend zone” is that there is something about them that causes you to develop some feelings for them. Yet, there’s a missing piece… something that you think you can find in someone else.

The guys I was into were go-getters. They liked to chase me down and I liked to play hard to get. There was a thrill in that chase. My guy friends were just there. And there was no fun in that.

Another thing I noticed is that I liked my guys to give me a challenge. I remember spending endless nights arguing with Ex’s trying to salvage our relationship to make it work out. Nevertheless, there was a strange sense of passion and desire that kept me wanting them instead of the nice guys.

Later that summer, I suddenly dawned on me that my friend could no longer be “just a friend”. I had developed feelings for him.

There was nothing that he did out of the ordinary that made me develop feelings for him. However there was one piece of truth that stood out among the rest…

I genuinely enjoyed the person I was whenever I was around him.

"Because he was my friend, I never had to put on this “sex appeal” that would happen once you met a guy you were totally into
"Because he was my friend, I never had to put on this “sex appeal” that would happen once you met a guy you were totally into. I was able to be totally and all me."

Because he was my friend, I never had to put on this “sex appeal” that would happen once you met a guy you were totally into. I was able to be totally and all me.

Also, our trust for each other grew and I was able to let my guard down, knowing that I would not get hurt. Not to mention, he did possess all of the other qualities that I found “attractive” in other men… only without the self-centered shadiness.

When I first realized that I had fallen for my friend, I freaked out about this because it was totally NOT part of the plan.

Sure, there was still some hesitation as to whether or not he could be the man I would come to love for life, but the fact remained: I never felt happier, freer, and more myself than when I was with him.

I know it’s pretty cliché to say that I married my best friend, but I did and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

After being married for three years, my husband and I still call each other, “bro”, send each other funny Instagram pics, and act silly together.

The attraction to love my friend as my Mr. Right grew over time, just as our friendship did, but because we formed such a tight foundation as friends from the very beginning, it was very easy to see him as the right guy for me.

Who’s in your “friend zone” right now that makes you feel comfortable being you, without the pressures of a “hot and heavy” relationship?

Which guy friend is the one you can always count on while your actual boyfriend continues to make you feel unsure about yourself and your future?

Which guy in your life are you continuing to keep at bay because you’re waiting for Mr. Right to come along?

Be careful. You may have already found him. And if you don’t recognize it sooner than later, you might lose him for good.

After a lifestyle of tragic breakups & living in total insecurity throughout her 20’s, Selina Almodovar found love worth living for: First in God, then in herself, and ultimately in her husband. She became a Relationship Expert and Coach to inspire single women everywhere through her YouTube videos, webinars and her signature program, “Preparing for Love". She offers the keys of clarity, confidence, and courage to single women who are ready to crush their relationship insecurities and attract love in their everyday life, within themselves, and in their future soul mate.

Download Selina's free 7 Day Devotional, “Love Deep: Your Path to Finding Love in God, Yourself and Mr. Right” to help you discover exactly where the love is (or is missing) from your life so that you start to take the right steps towards your very own happily ever after!

This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
CONVERSATIONS