I was delighted to interview Arielle Ford during the release of her new book, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate: A Practical Guide to Happily Ever After. Arielle Ford is a leading personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement and the author of eight books including the international bestseller THE SOULMATE SECRET: Manifest The Love of Your Life With The Law of Attraction.
Ken: Arielle, what led you to write Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate?
Arielle: Well, I was a first time bride at the age of 44. I met and married my soulmate and then very quickly had this shocking revelation that I was coming into the relationship with zero partnership skills. I was used to running my business and I was very good at being the boss, but I was clueless about how to be a good partner. And it was frightening because I lived in the same myth that so many other people do -- that when you're with your soulmate, the relationship is going to be a piece of cake. And then all this stuff and gunk started coming up and I didn't know what to do. Being pretty smart I decided I had to become a student of love very quickly because I had manifested this great guy in my life but now I had to learn how to co-exist with him.
After I wrote my book The Soulmate Secret which teaches singles how to manifest the love of their life, my publisher kept saying "What's the next book?" And I thought "There is no next book. Everything I know about how to manifest love has been said." But then I realized that over 18 years of marriage I have learned a lot about how to have a great marriage. This became Turn Your Mate Into Your Soul Mate.
Ken: So often, people think, "I'm not feeling it any more. The excitement is gone. I have lost some or all of my sexual attraction. Then, the next step is, "If I'm not feeling it, it's gone."
Arielle: What I quickly learned is that I hadn't a clue of what love is. I thought love was a feeling. I thought that when I had the feeling of love, I was in love. What I learned is that love is a behavior. It's a decision. It's a choice. It's a commitment.
So, when you are with your soulmate there are going to be days when you don't feel the love at all and days when you don't like them very much. And that is when the real work of relationships comes together. The real work of relationship is to bring everything up that is unhealed from your childhood. And that your beloved comes - they don't know they are coming this way - with a handbook on how to press all your buttons. The purpose of true soulmate relationships is to heal each other on the deepest possible level. And there will be days when it hurts a lot.
I say that being in love is a socially acceptable form of insanity. Because the brain is flooded with all these feel good hormones -- but it doesn't last. It's known as the honeymoon phase, and it lasts anywhere from six to eighteen months. And then those good feelings go away. But that's when the relationship really begins; when you are left with another flawed human being in your space and you have to begin to choose them all over again. To choose to love them. See them for who they really are. And to make yourself vulnerable to learn how to communicate in a way so that you can express yourself and get your needs met and say what your desires are, but in a place that comes from love and care and respect and kindness as opposed to shaming and blaming and beating somebody up. Because nobody is waking up in the morning thinking "Hmmmm, I wonder what I could do today to really piss Ken off. How could I really ruin his day?" Nobody wakes up like that. We all wake up the same way every day which is, "I hope I get to be loved just for being me today. I hope somebody loves me so much that I can just be myself."
So there's a whole bunch of skills most of us did not witness or learn growing up that are required to have an emotionally mature adult love relationship. I didn't get any of these skills and fortunately I was able to learn them because they are out there and available. And every exercise in my book is something that I personally road tested. This is stuff that really works to change your perception of how you see your partner and then reignite loving feelings. Because if you once experienced these yummy feelings of love for your partner, it's possible to do it again. They are still in the same part of your brain. They just need to be triggered.
Ken: This may be partly because I'm a gay man, but I got a special kick out of this book because I related to what you described as both the men's and women's experience. Another thing I found is that the lessons in this book transcend even romantic relationships. They're the deepest lessons of love.
Arielle: Yes. When you commit yourself to be the partner of somebody else, that's a really big deal. You know you're going to witness their lives and they're going to witness yours. They're going to be your safe place to land and you're going to be their safe place to land and you're going to create this cocoon of safety, and safety is the number one most important thing that we need as humans. And what's better to have than a partner who can be your best friend and lover and safety net for life. But it doesn't happen by accident. It's something that gets created. It's a choice that you make in every moment in every day. It's not for the faint hearted, this work
Ken: Why do you think it is that couples entering into marriage are just not taught this?
Arielle: Well, I don't know the answer to that. It's remarkable to me that we are not taught this. You go to school and they want you to memorize historical dates about when certain people landed on certain shores -- totally useless information for getting through life, you know? Teach us about kindness and compassion and personal responsibility and commitment and resilience, generosity and giving back! Those are really useful things to learn and yet somehow they're not in the curriculum. It's a mystery.
Ken: So, the lessons you teach that turn your mate into your soulmate also make you a bigger and better person.
Arielle: Oh, so much so. Absolutely. I'm a much better person today because I'm with Brian and I witness his huge heart and compassion and his love of people and the way he's such a giver. Because I'm not naturally a giver. I was, early on, very much a taker. You know, I would wake up in the morning and it was all about me. And you know, it took a lot of witnessing how he is in the world and realizing "I want to be more like that."
Ken: That is inspiring. Now, for all of the readers who question, "Where did that magic go?" Or "Is this person my soulmate? Can I really ignite or re-ignite these feelings?" What would you want most to say to these readers?
Arielle: Well I would say that when you're in pain, you can't know that for sure, but if you are willing to commit six months of your life really looking to see, "Could I save this? Could I take a chance on this marriage? Would I be willing to take little baby steps each day to see if I could re-ignite this love?" then that's the first step of the journey. Are you willing to take that step? And I just want to add one caveat here: If you're in a relationship that has abuse, addiction or really bad behavior you must get professional help. One book is not going to save your life if there is abuse or addiction.
And the second part is to take yourself back in time to when you first fell in love with this person and then write them a letter, a really heartfelt letter. Whatever your story is, write them that story and then add a few really positive acknowledgments Just do this little offering. Open the door. Because trust me, they want this too.
You can say, "I don't have any answers. I don't know where we fell off the tracks. But I'm not willing to give you up without a fight. What can we do?"
Ken: I imagine doing that would open new doors for people who are struggling in their relationship. I think that your book is an instruction book for applied compassion. It's a healing, soothing and empowering instruction book for everyone in a love relationship, and those who want to be in one.
If you would like more information on the book, Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate, click here.
If you want to learn more about Ken Page, LCSW's work and his book, Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy, click here.