How do you feel about really truly deeply being seen? Including your insecurities, shadows and secret dark side? I had an enlightening run in with some of my old BS just last week.
As I'm basking in the quiet of my favorite park, writing by this very peaceful pond (in the photo), a noisy group sauntered into my hamlet and plopped down in the shade behind me.
Ugh.
I continue writing, trying to ignore the prickly feeling of eyes and action behind me. One dude is particularly loud. Generally, I love listening to other languages -- I have this excited feeling that I understand what's being said, even when I don't. But today, his foreign tongue is like a jackhammer and he seems to be the only one carrying the conversation.
I ask my angels if they'd help !@#$ quiet him. Oh wait. Trying to change him is a disempowering focus. Instead, I need to shift my own intention and response. It feels better to say, Thank you angels, in advance, for helping me tune out the distraction.
Soon enough I notice a tremendous turtle sunbathing on a rock. Some swallows are swooping and playing in the air. A goldfinch flies past. Colorful dragonflies are whisking all around. Ducks and geese are feeding nearby in their funny bottoms-up way. Earlier, a small snake had swam seamlessly through the shallow water.
While marveling at this wide-eyed world, I forget my cares and remember what matters. And I've been able to ignore, somewhat, the incessant talker, who is still rattling away. My goodness.
It's getting too warm sitting in the sun and I want to gather up my books, beach chair and snacks and waddle over into the shade, about twenty feet away. But I hesitate. I fear the roving eyes behind me. Oooph.
My residual BS (Belief System) has bubbled up -- the old belief that fears my dwarfism and I will be judged, rejected, humiliated. I shake my head. Why do I care what they think? What will they do, throw stones? Tomatoes? Call me ugly? Laugh? WHO CARES!
Apparently, I still do.
I take some deep breaths, relax and prepare myself to stand up and BE SEEN. Go ahead Jule, they can't hurt you. You are free to be yourself in this world. This is a great opportunity to bust through the BS. Reclaim the joy.
I awkwardly stand and... you know what?
The chatterbox shuts right up.
Hee hee.
By facing my fear, I get my wish -- his mouth is muzzled. (My inner BS was speechless, too.)
In the past, I've dreaded that hushed reaction to me. The shocked looks. Today, the quiet is my reward.
I grab my gear and shuffle into the shade, chuckling to myself. I am an anti-gab Goddess. A shift in perspective is everyone's super soul power, available anywhere, anytime.
I sit back down and put my notebook on my lap. Suddenly a white-tailed dragonfly (I Googled it) lands on my writing. I watch in surprise as her tiny velvety body breathes. It isn't a quick flutter -- her whole body expands slowly and then contracts. Wow!
Then I realize her fabulous domino looking wings are perfectly covering just one sentence. I'd written it in the upper corner of my page this morning:
"How will I spend my heart today?"
Will I give away my joy because of other people's reaction? Or will I stand up and be who I am, in peace (or flat out enthusiasm).
Will I focus on an argument with an old friend/partner/sibling/kids? Or will I send them love bombs and release thoughts of right or wrong.
Will I try to control the outcome of some "uncomfortable" circumstances? Or will I breathe deeply, expand my heart, my love and my willingness to grow.
Will I judge what's ugly in me/them/the world? Or will I search for what's beautiful around me and within me.
Will I spend my heart on self-doubt? Worry? Criticism? Shrink away from my challenges? Or will I trust life to unfold in spectacular ways.
The dragonfly's work has dominoed and is done. She lifts off the page, hovers for a moment and then zips toward the open water, taking some of my black and white BS with her.
How will you spend your heart today?