Reader No Empathy writes,
How do you make empathy stick? For background, I grew up with super judgmental parents. Anyone who had a different religious background than us, listened to different genres of music, spoke a different language, or wanted to retire at a different age was an idiot, stupid, or a badly-educated lowlife no better than an animal. I am finding it very difficult to shake these attitudes I grew up with. I view a lot of people and things they do with contempt, even though they aren't doing anything wrong.
I hate feeling this way. I don't like having a negative stream of ugly thoughts about other people running constantly through my head and it has incapacitated my ability to make friends, since I'm always thinking contemptuous thoughts about everyone else. I want to stop and I've tried to cultivate more empathy within myself. But even when I catch myself thinking something awful and try to empathize, I end up sliding right back to the contemptuous thought. I am having so much trouble shaking them. How do you really make yourself believe the empathetic thoughts?
Dear NE,
What a great question, and very timely given the post-election atmosphere in the country right now, where both sides find it difficult to empathize with the other. It shows a lot of insight that you are able to draw a link between your current inability to empathize and the atmosphere in your house growing up. (Check out this guy's question too, as it's similar to yours, but about marriage.) I feel for you, because I grew up in a judgmental culture and household myself. I think that the more insular a community is, the more judgmental they are, and many people I'm sure can empathize (ironically) with your situation.
I think that you have made a wonderful start at changing the pattern that you learned at home, but I think that the true key to understanding how to empathize is recognizing the insecurity that your parents and family members felt internally. Only insecure people need to criticize and judge others all the time, but as a kid, it's hard to see that your parents most likely lashed out at others due to feeling anxious about their own possible inferiority or inadequacy. Now, as an adult, it can be very useful to look back and think about the ways that your parents were struggling, and what they likely felt insecure about. Then you can link your current feelings of disdain for others to not only what you learned at home, but to your own levels of insecurity.
For example, so many moms judge other moms, but mostly when they feel insecure about their own parenting. Months ago, when that toddler fell into the gorilla habitat at the zoo, loads of moms were judging the mom whose "negligence" allowed that to happen. Meanwhile, moms who were more secure in themselves and less anxious were saying, "It could happen to anyone." (In reality: this could happen to anyone who is out in public with multiple kids including a toddler who likes to explore; I have almost lost my own kids about one million times.) When people need to lash out at others and vilify them, this is almost always due to insecurity about their own behavior, and a subconscious idea that if they make enough of a stink about someone else's "awful" behavior, nobody will examine their own too closely, and they can even distract themselves from their own insecurities by pointing fingers at others.
Ironically, I believe that it is essential to empathize fully with your parents before you will be able to empathize with others. The more judgmental the people, the less worldly, less educated, and less overall life experience they have. Your parents were likely very insecure about their finances (thus the retirement age thing), their education levels (leading to the education-level contempt), and lots of other things. It sounds like they may have been immigrants (you mentioned speaking a different language), and immigrants often feel such a heightened level of anxiety in their new culture that they act superior to it. This defense mechanism that helps them gain the confidence, even arrogance, that may in fact have been psychologically necessary for them to have survived. Remember that many immigrants also face a great deal of real-world bias and mistreatment by others, so their insularity and judgment of other groups, even to the point of hatred or paranoia, may make sense to them and may be rooted in traumatic experiences. Unfortunately, your parents passed down their fears, manifested as arrogance and contempt, down to you, for whom it is not a survival-oriented defense mechanism, but only an impediment to happiness and social relationships.
I suggest that you find a therapist with whom you can work on accepting and understanding your parents, which doesn't mean acting like them, but more making peace with how they were and what they implicitly taught you. Next, you can try and explore different ways of being in the world. Sometimes, you have to fake it till you make it. Make friends with others, say kind things, consciously and verbally give people the benefit of the doubt. The more people you get to know on a deep level, the more empathy you will develop. This works even faster if you make friends with people from all sorts of backgrounds and walks of life, as different from your own as you can. Eventually, you will develop new ways of being in the world, and empathy will be second nature to you.
Best of luck and please keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Also Read Novels.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
Order 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.
Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation, here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.