I am a liar.
As years pass, I thought forgiveness meant that I let go and I adapt myself to others. Many times, I thought I was being a bigger person by letting someone bully me and apologizing for things I didn't do.
Today I realized I am a liar. I lied when I apologized because I didn't mean my apology. I lied when I accepted his hurtful language and actions when I didn't want to accept them. I lied when I said I'm no longer hurt by him when I was. I lied to myself that things will get better when I let him be exactly who he continues to be.
I needed to realize that I am a liar and I needed to be more honest with myself.
I need to express my sadness and anger to let it go and for him to see that he hurts me.
I need to stand strong and know my value and build a firm foundation because I need to become more honest with myself.
My value is not determined by dollars. My value is not determined by fame. My value is not determined by physical beauty, even if he tries to tell me so.
My value is determined by my honesty, integrity, character and most of all, the love I have within myself.
By keeping quiet, I've been telling myself, it is the right thing to do. I've been telling myself that I am being forgiving and someone of good faith.
Forgiveness and keeping quiet are two separate things.
I may forgive him for his actions. I also have to stand up for myself. These two things are not mutually exclusive. It is interdependent. It is only when I stand up for myself and be honest that I learn to forgive. It is only in courage I am able to forgive.
I need to be honest with myself so I can be honest with others.
Need help? Call 1-800-656-HOPE for the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
Need help? Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.