Is It Time To Bring Back The Bush?

10/07/2017 06:13 pm ET

Every month for over a decade, I've been having my va-va massacred by sadists in a bid to stay relevant in our bald-vagina-times. The Brazilian Wax is a fad that was popularized by the porn industry. It's painful, it's expensive and it makes my lady-bits look like a prepubescent girl. At a time when paedophilia is rife -- what is our addiction to this unnatural craze? More importantly, what is our preoccupation in trying to attain an infantile aesthetic?

Females remove their bush in order to be considered desirable and hygienic -- yet desire is the exact reason why hair grows there. Pheromones get trapped in the hair attracting wolves and indicating one’s readiness for mating.

Medical Physician, Emily Gibson discussed the scientific purpose of genital hair in a recent article “Pubic hair does have a purpose, it provides cushioning against friction that can cause skin abrasion and injury. It also gives protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens”.

My cousin, who is 16 said that teens at her school refer to ‘vaginas with pubic hair’ as vintage pussy. What wowed me more was when she informed me that most boys her age had never seen a vagina with pubic hair in real life. Like the siberian mammoth, the va-va with hair has become extinct.

I was 23 when I had my first brazilian. I booked at a franchise who supposedly specialised in vaginal waxing. I was taken aback by the number of customers and blaring music. I paid for my treatment and was ushered into a room.

“Why do you have the music so loud?” I asked.

“So other customers can’t hear the screams”. The young blonde replied.

This was just the beginning of my nightmare.

“It was a xxx that you wanted, yeah?”

“Yeah” I uttered nervously. What was a triple-X? I had no idea!

I laid on the bed spread-eagled. She applied hot wax, then ripped off my pubic hair with pieces of cloth. Having the top of my vagina waxed was easy compared to the outer-lips. Ouchies! But nothing prepared me for what was about to happen next.

“Can you get on all fours please?”

“All fours?” I did as I was told.

Within seconds of propping myself up, the therapist had spread my butt-cheeks and was pouring hot wax into my crack. Did I even have butt-hair? I don’t think I did, I’d never looked. After the wax I learnt that ‘triple x’ translated to ‘taking the effing lot’.

If we take a look at nudes in art history -- female pubic hair is never shown. Renaissance vaginas are hairless. In those days pubic hair was considered incredibly sexual and erotic. Even Manet’s painting of the famous courtesan Olympia, fails to show any muff.

In the 1800s Francisco de Goya painted La Maja Desnuda for the Spanish Prime Minister. The painting portrays a voluptuous nude woman, gazing unashamedly at the viewer with her pubic hair fully exposed. The Spanish PM kept it hidden in a private room, wink-wink, only showing the piece to those he trusted. Godoy and the curator of his collection were later called before The Spanish Inquisition for this work.

In 1970 pubic hair appeared in Penthouse Magazine for the first time. Sexploitation and ‘beaver films’ soon followed. The Seventies Bush (as it was famously coined) exuded power, lust and desirability.

Within two decades pubic hair was on the way out and the shiny-giney was all the rage. In 1999, Gwenyth Paltrow claimed that being waxed bare had changed her life. In 2000, Sex and The City, aired an episode titled ‘The Brazilian’ where Carrie memorably states ‘I feel like I am nothing but walking sex’. And who could forget Jennifer Aniston’s ‘Telly Salvalas Wax’ in the 2006 rom-com The Breakup. (Fun fact:Telly Salvalas is Aniston’s godfather in real life).

I’m an actress and was cast in the lead role of a Troma horror film called Nocturne Night of The Vampire. I played a 150-year-old vampire and the film director wanted me to grow pubic hair and underarm hair for the nude scenes. I found it such a tough ask because at that point in time (like many young women) I associated having a bush with being unsexy.

Fast forward to now and I’m as proud as punch of my hair-wig. I want to shout from the rooftops. “Save The Amazon and stop deforestation!

A while ago, I decided to rebel against the Pube-Police and head back to the dark ages -- letting my pubic hair grow. In all honesty, I’ve never felt so sexy in my life. I feel womanly. I feel like I am in my natural state. I feel undeniably fierce.

In 2014, American Apparel in New York made headlines around the globe when their mannequins were shown sporting a full bush in sheer lingerie. Apparently the bush is making a comeback and when the trend hits Downunder (pardon the pun) -- I’ll be in fashion!

Dean Morris Card

Vanessa de Largie is an actress, author, journalist and sex-columnist.

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