My 91 year old mother, Anita, and I, are in the TV room with Tema, one of my mother's Caregivers who has been with us for ten years and who is eight months pregnant with her second daughter. They are in the two big armchairs and I am nudged in between them in a chair from the dining room. We are watching, or trying to watch, "White Christmas," but Mom keeps interrupting to ask, "I love you, do you love me?"
Me: "Yes, of course, I love you!"
Mom: "That's good. That is all that matters!"
Mom has Alzheimer's, or some form of it, there are so many varieties of the disease. Her condition seems more like, dementia, because she has pretty much been the same for years. She can still play a fierce game of dominoes and loves movies, and can follow them, well, most of the time! She asks again with more emphasis...
Mom: "Do you love me?"
"Yes, I love you," I tell her and rub her upper back to soothe her.
Mom: "Oh, keep doing that. Higher. Now go lower, more. Oh, that's good. Gosh, you are wonderful! I love you."
Me: "I love you, too."
I am actually kind of excited to see, "White Christmas," again, the classic film with Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney and that actress with the impossibly tiny waste, Vera-Ellen. It is such a "Christmas-y" thing to do. It reminds me of growing up. It is always on at Christmastime and it makes you feel good to watch it. I love the Irving Berlin score.... "I'm dreaming of a whiiiiiite Christ-maaaas, just like the ones I used to.." Mom interrupts again...
Mom: "Can I ask you something?"
Me: "Yes, of course," knowing exactly what the question will be...
Mom: "Do you love me?"
Me: "Yes, of course, I love you!"
Mom: "You are the P.C. (perfect child) and I am the P.M. (perfect mother)?"
Me: "Yes, I am the P.C. and you are the P.M. Okay, now shall we watch the movie?"
Vera-Ellen and Rosemary Clooney are singing that "Sister" song. I break into song."Sisters, sisters, never were there such devoted sisters! Caring, sharing, every little thing that we are wearing....." Mom loves the added entertainment. "...but Lord, help the Mister, who comes between Me and my Sister! And Lord, help the Sister, who, comes between me and MY Man!"
Mom to Tema: "Isn't she wonderful?"
The whole thing is silly. Tema is laughing. We continue watching.
Mom: "I love you."
Me: "Love you, too."
Mom to me in whisper tone: "Who is that over there?"
Me: "Mother! You know who that is! That is Tema!"
Mom: "Oh that's right. Will you forgive me?"
Mom to Tema: "Tema, do you love me?"
Tema: "Yes, Mrs. Fay, I love you!"
We go back to watching the movie. Bing and all are in Vermont, touched to see their General from WWII days, and are upset that he is struggling in his business, a ski resort, and there is no snow.
Mom: "I love you. Do you love me?"
Me: "Yes, I love you."
Mom: "Oh, that's good because that is what is most important, that we love each other."
Mom about the movie:"What did they say?"
Me: "If we listen and pay attention to the movie then we will know. Shall we focus in on the movie?"
Mom:"Okay."
A brief pause.
Mom: "Do you love me?"
I think, maybe if I don't respond, she might forget that she asked and her focus might go to, "White Christmas." Her gaze is pointed at me.
Mom: "Well, DO YOU?"
Me: "Mom, yes, OF COURSE, I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!"
Mom: "Oh, that's good, as that is what's most important, that we love each other, and we do."
Fifteen seconds later...
Mom begins: "Do you love..."
Tema: "Mrs. Fay, let's watch the movie."
Mom: "Okay, I am sorry. Will you forgive me?"
Tema: "Yes, I forgive you."
Tema and I look at each other and smile at each other knowingly. This is the way it goes. Sometimes Mom will pay more attention to the show, just not tonight. Tonight the movie is going to compete with this on-going inquiry about love, maybe because it is Christmas and the collective universe has us all thinking about it.
Mom and her question, "Do you love me?" sprinkled throughout the whole evening, as distracting as when it seems time stands still with a snowfall. Somewhere in the pause and a breath, I could feel all these precious parts resonating in me. My 91 year old mother wanting to know that she is loved. Her letting us know she loves us. Pregnant Tema, teary, as excited as she is for the new baby, recognizing that this special time with her toddler daughter, Akessa, being the center of attention is passing and she wants her to always feel her "wonderfulness." It is all about love.
We do make it to the end of the movie where General Waverly (Dean Jagger) has the happy surprise of all of his troops showing up at the celebration to love and support him."The kids," Bing, Danny, Rosemary and Vera-Ellen put on a show like you've never seen, complete with a big cinematic finish. The barn doors roll open, and it's a snowy, "White Christmas." When love comes together like that, the universe is there to comply.
Mom's hand reaches over to me.
Mom: "Gosh, I love you."
And before she can ask me....
Me: "And, I Love You!
The big message, after a night of endless, "Do you love me?"'s, and watching an old classic film? Answer: "What's most important, is that we love each other." That's what I am dreaming about.