I am an introvert by nature, and my introversion manifests itself somewhat oddly. I am completely comfortable sharing an article with thousands or standing on a stage talking to hundreds. But, I find it exceedingly difficult to be introduced to someone, shake their hand and engage them in a conversation. I would rather suffer through a substandard meal then raise the issue with the server, and if my wife asks me to call a casual acquaintance to make plans, I break into a sweat, my pulse quickens, and I start immediately protesting.
I find it exceedingly difficult to be introduced to someone, shake their hand and engage them in a conversation.
Standing on a stage or sharing my thoughts in an article for the contemplation of the masses, provides me with a veil of separation, a sense of anonymity and distance. The judgment from others will occur, but I won't witness it, and it will be varied. One-on-one, I feel exposed, vulnerable. There is no anonymity, distance, or separation. It is just me and the person I am standing before. I am going to face their judgment, see it in their eyes, glean cues from their non-verbal reactions, and that is really hard.
There is no anonymity, distance, or separation. It is just me and the person I am standing before.
From my teenage years until my early forties, I did everything I could to avoid social situations. At gatherings, I would retreat. I found real comfort and security in my own mind. I told great stories, laughed at my own jokes, and thought about some pretty heady stuff. As a kid, this would drive my parents nuts. As an adult, my wife was often left in the care of our social life and frequently found herself explaining to the couples we were with, what it was like to be married to a mute. Over time, I would rally. I would pull from some of my coping skills such as humor (mainly sarcasm), and I would eventually engage. But truly, what I did was limit the number of new people that would enter my life because it was just too scary and too much work.
As a kid, this would drive my parents nuts. As an adult, my wife was often left in the care of our social life and frequently found herself explaining to the couples we were with, what it was like to be married to a mute.
I am not sure if it was a midlife crisis or just normal maturation. But, I began to search for clarity in terms of my own sense of purpose. I realized that I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to have a positive impact on my family, my clients and my community. I recognized that I couldn't do that from the barcalounger in my brain. I was going to have to live out loud.
I recognized that I couldn't do that from the barcalounger in my brain.
I started with baby steps. I was going to try to make that grumpy clerk in the checkout line at the grocery store smile. I looked the Starbucks barista in the eyes and thanked him for making a great Americano. I said hi to people as I walked by them on the sidewalk. Then came more bold moves. I sent cold soup back at a restaurant. I set plans with another couple. We are talking about monumental stuff here. Eventually, I jumped in with both feet. I joined Rotary, volunteered for non-profit boards, participated in community events. All the while doing so under the auspices of this is how I could make a difference, and have a real impact. I had no idea that it would be such a reciprocal relationship. It has had a huge impact on me.
I sent cold soup back at a restaurant. I set plans with another couple. We are talking about monumental stuff here.
I am still an introvert, that won't change. It is still hard for me in the one-on-one setting. I want so desperately to retreat inward. I want to break eye contact and look down at my feet. But, I don't because I now see so clearly the benefit of being engaged and pushing past that discomfort.
I want so desperately to retreat inward. I want to break eye contact and look down at my feet.
Not long ago, our daughters were home for a visit and we were walking downtown heading to dinner. As we strolled, numerous people stopped to say hi to me or waved from across the street. When we sat down to eat, the girls looked at me with incredulity and said: "Dad, what's going on, you are actually being social and seem to know people." I said, "Girls, I have decided to start living out loud."
Want to Read Great Books On Business & Leadership Growth?
Join the Integrative Leader's Book Club. Each month we pick a thought provoking book to read and discuss. This month we are reading David Burkus' book "Under New Management". David will join us at the end of the month for a live Q&A session.
Elliot Begoun is the Principal of The Intertwine Group. His articles appear in publications such as the Huffington Post, SmartBrief and Linked2Leadership. He serves as a thinking partner, providing clients with the clarity, focus, and tools needed to make good people and product decisions. He helps clients build lasting relationships with their customers, develop leaders who make others feel heard, cared for, valued and respected, and most importantly to grow.