Parenting can be a joyful experience ― except when it’s time to clean up after a poop-crazy child.
Just ask Omaha dad Jesse Mab-Phea Hill, who has turned a feces fiasco made by his daughter Alessandra into a Facebook post that can only be described as internet gold.
The post, dated May 11, has struck a chord with parents, attracting more than 100,000 shares so far.
In it, Hill sets the scene for what he thought would be an easy day for being a dad.
“So I was having a pretty good day. Dropped the boy off at school, worked out, let the dogs outside and began chilling like a boss in my man cave in the basement.
Mayra was out teaching her workout class, Alessandra was sleep in her room and the dogs were outside. I had the house to myself and I was taking full advantage of watching unimpeded YouTube videos.”
Hill decided he wanted some chocolate cake, but on his way to the kitchen, he caught a whiff of a terrible odor in the house.
“I scan the basement from the stairs thinking the dogs dropped a deuce before I let them outside. I see nothing..... And then my blood runs cold when I realize the stink is coming from the upper floor.”
Fearing the worst, Hill ran up the stairs screaming “no, no, no, no.”
When he got to Alessandra’s room, it was a sight ― and smell ― to behold.
“There she is, standing at the baby gate, butt naked, holding her diaper, covered head to toe in her own crap.
“Im not talking a little poop here and there on her. I’m talking layered on globs of human fecal matter covering her arms, legs, face and HAIR.
“It’s bad. It’s worse then any other time she decided to explore in her diaper.”
WARNING: The following photos show fecal matter covering floors, toys, furniture and children and may remind parents of moments they’d rather not relive.
Hill’s post described his daughter’s as looking like “a scene straight out of a German fetish dream.”
As he eloquently states:
“Everything on the right side of the room is covered in steaming baby crap. The walls, the toys, the windows, the curtains, the play bench, the floor, the baby piano, my hopes, all covered in crap. It looked like a real category 5 shit storm blew thru her room. Hurricane Shitrina if you will.”
At first, Hill thought about doing something almost as crappy as the defecation on display: Closing the door to the girl’s room and pretending he was asleep and wasn’t aware of the nappy nightmare.
Luckily, he heeded the message from his better angels because “yesterday was Mexican mothers day and I didn’t want to be a dick.”
Still, Hill made every effort to avoid touching his adorable poop-covered daughter, such as knocking open the baby gate so “she can walk out on her own terms.”
Alessandra wasn’t having any of it.
“Instead of walking out of her room she smiles up at me and extends her arms for me to pick her up. I yell Hell No. After a brief stare off she walks out of her room, pass me and heads down the stairs.
“At this point I’m forced to pick her up because the bath wasn’t down stairs. I use 2 fingers on both hands to lift her by her armpits and I shuffle the 2 of us off to the bathroom.”
Hill admits he had a hard time while she was in the tub because she kept trying to touch him with hands covered with poop.
“I scream like a pre-pubescent girl and dodge her,” he said. “After 20 minutes I pick all the crap out of her hair, bottom of her feet and everywhere in between.”
But how can you not clean poop off a cutie like this?
Even though this is how the shower curtain looked after he was done.
Alessandra’s mom, Mayra, came home and the two immediately set to work cleaning up the caca catastrophe, an effort that took two rolls of paper towels, five stolen gym towels, a bottle of Pine-Sol, a bottle of bleach, a big bag to store the crap covered toys and 2 1/2 hours of hard work.
Even so, Hill said his daughter’s room still smelled “like a dumpster fire.”
No wonder he looks like this:
Hill’s complete Facebook post is below, but he emphasized that loves his kids “but they turn on me when I least expect it.”
He added: “Alessandra is my favorite daughter but my second favorite kid right now.”