Kick-Ass Career But Still Failing At Love?

08/12/2016 06:56 am ET Updated Aug 12, 2016

Picture the scene... me, alone in my bed on a Monday morning, surrounded by tissues, and wondering where it all had gone wrong. 

I was dating a man I really liked, and felt pretty lucky to have his attention. The dates themselves were exciting, and I looked forward to them. We had had a great Friday evening, and as he left the next morning, I waved and blew him an adoring kiss. He smiled and returned the gesture, and I felt on top of the world. 

When I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the weekend, something gnawed at me... a sense of unease and dissatisfaction. By Monday – still no word. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Why wasn’t he sending me messages, declaring his love and appreciation for our night of passion? Things had gone from “lucky” to “sucky”... I needed the help of an expert here.

As I occasionally followed dating coaches I was familiar with the term “high value.” I concluded that I wasn’t a high value woman, otherwise he would be pursuing me more. And that would be really nice, actually. I turned to google and searched, “How to be a High Value Woman.” An article appeared with exactly that title, by dating coach Sami Wunder. 

She explained that a woman who is high value, knows her value, and doesn’t need to work hard to impress a man or prove her worth to him. She is the prize in love, that he needs to win. When I first heard this, it seemed so bold, so sassy..... almost controversial! Dare I believe - I’m the prize? And that I don’t need to work hard in love? 

I immediately booked a Skype call with Ms. Wunder and within minutes she had me sussed. Thanks to her, I began to see that I was trying to conquer this man by seeking his attention, and being quite strategic about it.

She explained that this was a way of using my “masculine energy” in my love life, approaching it as I would my business. But the woman in me didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel valued and I was not honoring my worth. This was 100% true - and liberating to admit.

As I delved deeper into her principles of dating, some of which she shares on her website, I realized that she is, in essence, teaching strong and independent women to harness the power of their feminine energy in their romantic relationships, which allows them to enjoy the same success in love as they do in business.

By embracing themselves as feminine women, they reconnect with their self-worth and take their romantic relationships to new, blissful heights. Not totally clear how it all works? Neither was I. So I asked Sami some questions.

Dating and relationship coach, Sami Wunder

1. Sami, you have a vibrant relationship support group on facebook called Wunder Divas. What does it mean to be a Wunder Diva?
A Wunder Diva is a woman who consciously uses her masculine energy to succeed at work, and her feminine energy to succeed at love. She is the woman who can have it all!

2. What inspired you to become a love coach?
My own repeated failures in love, despite being successful at literally everything else, led me to search for the truth about what makes romantic relationships work (and not what we women “think“ makes them work).

3. And what makes them work?
The presence of polar opposites, that is, masculine and feminine energies, irrespective of which partner is carrying them.

4. Why, then, do you teach women to reconnect with their feminine energies?
Because my experience has shown that women practice “learned“ masculine behaviours, which are not representative of their true nature. More than 90% of women who come to me prefer being pursued by men and being the feminine energy partner in the relationship– they just don’t know how to make it happen.

5. What is the number one mistake we modern women make when it comes to dating?
Approaching romantic success the same way they would approach career success. To succeed in our careers, we “lean in“ as Sheryl Sandberg popularly calls it. We make calls to make a sale, we ask for the promotion we want, we negotiate, we lead, we plan - we go after it. However, that same lean-in energy actually pushes men away when in love.

This is what leaves so many strong, independent women confused and frustrated at love. In love, you “lean back“ in your feminine energy. That’s what brings in a quality man.

6. And why do you think we women use our masculine energies in love?
We live in a society that rewards masculine behaviours more than it rewards feminine behaviours. Achievement, control, leadership, competition, and giving, are valued above the softer qualities of receiving, listening, allowing, relaxing, being present in the moment. 

So it’s natural that most women feel the pressure to be more in their masculine energy than in their feminine energy. We’ve forgotten the power and juice of feminine energy, especially in romance.

7) Why do you think it’s easier for us to be in our masculine than in our feminine around men? 
Masculine helps us feel in control.  We can’t get hurt when we call the shots. Feminine requires surrender – and surrender can be scary. Surrender needs a lot of inner courage.

8) You are a successful business woman. How do the energies play out in your marriage? 
I am blissfully married – and I believe every woman struggling in love can use the principles I teach to create her own dream relationship. 

I use my masculine energy to succeed in my work, but with my husband I am in my feminine – practising vulnerability, receiving and letting him lead. It works like magic. He loves my power and my go-getter attitude. Just not when I use it on him.

For more valuable insights on dating and relationships, visit: http://samiwundercoaching.com/

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