Some of the toughest calls as a clinician arise from working with co-parents of infants and toddlers.
With this in mind I contacted cutting edge family law attorney Laura Wasser. She agreed to meet to discuss her experiences with the youngest joint custody kids. Approaching the valet to park, even a person in trouble could have felt like 'somebody.'
The firm her father Dennis helped to establish bears their surname. They generally decline to represent anyone with less than $10M in assets and charge over $800 an hour for her time.
Gamine and petite, Ms. Wasser greeted me warmly. The office is a spacious light filled environment floating high above the bustle, an oasis of sorts. The Santa Monica Mountains are a backdrop to the fine contemporary art hanging on the walls.
We met about 20 years ago. I was a parent plan mediator with Los Angeles Family Court Services. Laura was a newly minted attorney. She requested me a few times for her clients.
No stranger to the press. Ms. Wasser has a few bons mots at the ready. Born and raised in Beverly Hills, her own parents - both attorneys - divorced before it got ugly, as she has said. She was conceived the night Dennis was admitted to the bar, as she has joked about her initials, LAW.
In therapy-speak LAW possessed excellent vagal tone. She exuded confidence and intelligence. You want to trust her judgment.
Ms. Wasser is a maverick, part self-proclaimed control freak, part diva, part free-wheeling UC Berkeley rebel where she obtained her undergrad degree. The author of a well-received book, It Doesn't Have to Be That Way; she is on the executive committee of the powerful Beverly Hills Bar; a charity, the Harriet Buhai Center devoted to representing indigent victims of domestic violence, and her alma mater, Loyola Law School.
For our interview the deeply tanned LAW wore substantial, understated gold jewelry and a sleeveless black silk shift cut loose above the knee with her customary modest high neckline. Her mane of brown hair was worn long and loose. Little if any makeup or noticeable plastic surgery was visible.
Ms. Wasser escorted me from the waiting room to her area. We made our way along a phalanx of desks populated by a cadre of not particularly glamorous paralegals working quietly at their tidy desks. This was a virtual cat walk as she lead in her leopard printed and studded signature Louboutin stilettos.
Like Ms. Wasser, I am a proponent of Bird Nesting in all its glorious permutations. The concept is parents allow their children to reside in one home while they move in and out.
We concurred, this may be the best possible scenario, albeit short term. The catch is it is only possible when there is no interpersonal drama between the adults, who must be able to focus less on each other and more on the children.
What impressed me most was that Ms. Wasser is settlement minded.
She is not interested in developing parenting plans to achieve percentages to influence child support payments or churning custody cases for fees.
In 75% of LAW's cases she represents fathers. Of that percentage, those who have Tender Years issues tend to be professional male athletes. These men often receive word about the 5 month mark of their baby's mama's pregnancy that they're expecting.
Most of these men struggle with daddy hunger issues, having been under-fathered or abandoned sons. Though they cannot turn back the hands of time and rewrite their own history, the next best move is to not just write a support check and be involved in their youngsters' lives. In this way they can make a positive difference for the next generation.
As a new mother with a baby daddy represented by LAW brace oneself. You will be hearing, "Get over it and pump."
You will be asked to provide frozen breast milk for your infant's bottles at their father's home. Take succor in the fact that Ms. Wasser is also balancing out the equation. She is requiring this typical client of hers to do the right thing by advancing fees to the pregnant mother before the child is born.
LAW would not be opposed to intrauterine DNA testing, but is open to waiting to do a gentle DNA swab test upon the baby's birth. She demonstrated the non-invasive procedure and showed how easy it was done with a Q-tip.
Most of LAW's clients do not have typical 9 to 5 schedules. Even if they are on the road for work, when they are home most have flexibility in their daily lives.
Ms. Wasser takes a pragmatic view of paternity cases when it comes to the stroller crowd. When a child enters a high fantasy Hollywood hook up, life-long relationships are established as a consequence.
Guardians of the next generation, parents are no longer two people who did the special handshake for a time.
While cradling your baby, gazing into that child's eyes and promising to protect them, you may not be fully aware of it, you are essentially vowing not to get into a custody battle.
In LAW's world, joint physical custody should start as early as the infant is bottle fed, no later than age 3 months. Even more helpful is for a father to have a trusted person, like his mother or nanny, willing to get up at night with him and the child to share the work.
Introducing a bottle makes good sense and to have a frozen supply of pumped milk in reserve, should a neonatal mother fall ill or drink alcohol. What is good for parents who are together, should be good for co-parents.
Tender Years would be better labeled the 4th Trimester or the Tender Weeks or Months to understand what is at stake.
If mother does not think it is in the best interest of the infant to be left with the father, Ms. Wasser suggested mother can stay in a guest house or room on the father's property.
If the child's paternal grandmother is there, a built in chaperone exists. LAW reminded me that most of her clients are, "very young." The mothers often live with their own mothers. Ideally, her clients should also be able to visit the infant in mother's home.
LAW is no stranger to some of the harsher realities her clients face.
Surprised that our talk turned personal, details of Ms. Wasser's private life were disclosed.
She is a single mother of two boys, one almost 6 and the other 11. For the Jewish holiday of Passover 2016, Ms. Wasser was proud of her own "wing" at her mother, Bunny's table. When I suggested she has a tribe, she chuckled in recognition.
A rather old school arrangement, her children spend overnight Tuesdays, and every other weekend Fridays to Mondays, with their respective fathers away from her home.
A new twist is that in between her sons' times in their fathers' care, her house becomes the de facto Club House for frequent paternal drop-ins. A nanny is present as a back-up monitor and cook. Daily, Laura will verbally prep her kids about what to expect for the day, and has been known to collaborate with them and even allow them the final say in a negotiation.
The grown men tend not to interact with each other, choosing to stay focused on their respective sons, who are closely bonded to each other. The older son has been known to accompany his younger brother for overnights.
To promote healthy sibling bonding even further, LAW's inclusive Club House policy extends to a half sibling, a teenage sister, of her younger son who visits from Europe four times a year.
More than marriage, LAW is committed to relationships.
Wed once for a year in her mid-twenties, with no children from that union, she had long term live-in relationships with her baby's daddies. Ms. Wasser not only preaches the gospel of Joint Physical Custody from the start. She lives it and looks forward to an increasingly equitable time share in her custody scenario. "Bring it on," she declared.
Ms. Wasser, "zealously guards," personal time with her new man of three years who shares custody of two adolescent daughters. They have strategically synched up their parenting plans to enjoy more adult time together.
In addition to financial necessity for some families to maintain one instead of two homes for the children after separation, these high concept parenting plans are also helpful in supporting a parent to prevent relapse from substance abuse.
Bird Nesting and its cousin the Club House can be viewed as training wheels for full-fledged joint physical custody. As Sesame Street reminds us, "Families come in all shapes and sizes."