There is so much in our lives that we do not have control over. For example, we do not have control over what other people do and how they treat us. We only have control over our actions and the choices that we make based upon our knowledge of people and situations.
Someone once called me a “control freak.” While I do believe that I have issues with control I don’t consider myself to be a control freak. The term “control freak” has a pejorative connotation and isn’t useful in identifying a person’s relationship to control. All human beings have issues with control to a relative degree, and some more than others. When we can’t control situations we feel overwhelmed, angry, or depressed. Anger is a secondary emotion and underneath that feeling are a myriad of other emotions. It’s natural to get angry when you can’t control something, but it’s important to assess what is making you feel that way and discover the underlying causes of that anger.
Anger and frustration our default reaction to when we cannot make things the way that we want them to be. Once you are able to release the anger, the “real “emotion that you are feeling will come through stronger and more clearly. Underneath anger is usually either fear/anxiety or depression. It’s important to understand why you are afraid or depressed.
When you want to control something what’s happening is that you are actually afraid of change and change is extremely scary for people. We are creatures of habit and when things change for us this is alarming and potentially scary. When you don’t want something to change you can also experience sadness or depression. For example when a relationship ends sometimes we are not ready to let someone go and we cling to the memories because they are what we know.
In reality the relationship is changing and if we access that truth, we will likely become fearful or depressed. So many people will try to control the situation so that the relationship remains the same as it was before. Unfortunately when one person wants to end a relationship, it can no longer be the same relationship. It takes two people to be a working relationship, and if one person doesn’t want to be a part of this dynamic then unfortunately relationship is over. The other person can try to hang on and control what’s going to happen, but it won’t make much of a difference.
The most healthy course of action is to except that things are no longer the way that they used to be and let go of the illusion of control. It can be challenging to do this when you’re feeling resentful or angry. But, you will grow from this process. Mindfulness is a tool one can use when letting go of control; it is about being present in this moment. A big component of mindfulness is acceptance and understanding that there is so little we have control over in our lives. We accept what is happening in this moment as the truth and learn to adapt based on what happens next. Once we relinquish the illusion of control we will begin to feel much better.
What about you? Do you struggle with issues of control? Do you get angry when things don’t go your way?
Control is an illusion.