THE BLOG
12/14/2006 11:08 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Inappropriate Behavior

An article elsewhere on this page informs us that officials from the Miss USA pageant may strip reigning Miss USA Tara Conner of her title due to "inappropriate behavior at a NYC bar." Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants, apparently told CNN that " Conner is "going through some personal problems and difficulties right now which could affect her ability to reign."

I am outraged. And I say this having no information about Tara Conner, or of the duties she or any woman must fulfill in the context of a "reign".

I confess that I don't really follow the lesser beauty pageants, especially since I am so busy maintaining my schedule of ignoring the more important ones. Every year, I have barely begun ignoring Miss America when Miss Universe shows up! Therefore I can only guess at what it actually takes to perform the reign of Miss USA.

For all I know she constantly has to show up somewhere and do something or other. That can't be easy.

But assuming that fulfilling the duties of Miss USA requires one to be a genetically superior youngish female who somehow reflects the warp and woof of our culture, I am having trouble figuring out what could possibly be considered "Inappropriate behavior" in the context of 2006 America; Especially in a bar in New York City where something inappropriate is expected as part of the cover charge! In fact, it's the main reason why the drinks are so expensive!

The USA in 2006 is a country with a president who destroyed a middle eastern nation and created a civil war; a man who struggles with two syllable vocabulary words, has twin daughters who are hard-drinking hard-partying girls, a vice president who recently shot a colleague in the face and whose daughter is having a baby out of wedlock. The USA in 2006 is a country with a Congress that has barely finished apologizing for one political scandal when the next one steals the spotlight. It's a country that has no problem re-electing a congressman who hid $90,000. in bills in his freezer because, well I guess the voters in his district admire a man who likes cold hard cash.

Since there really is no such thing as inappropriate behavior any more, why should poor little Miss USA be the only one in the country who has to behave herself? So I say, leave Tara Conner alone. Let her throw up on people and forget her underwear, or defecate in public or whatever it is she did.

And in the future lets re-organize the Miss USA pageant so that the contestants are judged in the following more contemporary categories : Cutest Mug Shot; Best First Marriage Romantic Publicity; Most Interesting Pre-divorce Scandal; Most Exciting Rebound Romance; Best Public Apology After An Arrest for Substance Abuse, Most Triumphant Rehab Struggle, Best Genito-Mammary Blooper, Best Post Arrest Charity Affiliation, Best Second Marriage Romantic Publicity.

Just in case no one asks me, I am voting, in absentia, for Nicole Richie for the next Miss USA. I know it's going to be a tough race with so many attractive and qualified candidates scoring high numbers in the new categories I hope will be instated, but weighing 85 pounds AND driving the wrong way on the 134 ought to at least make her a serious title contender.