Life on Earth Ends -- Polar Bears Remain Unendangered

Despite their unrelenting hunger for man-meat and unshakable goal of eradicating us from the planet, there are those among us who bemoan the passage of another year with polar bears still absent from the Endangered Species List. Compassion was never more misplaced. Among nature's deadliest con artists, the polar bear stands supreme. Pandas, raccoons, chimps, flat worms -- adorable killers all, but none can compete in deception and slaughter with he whom the Inuits long ago dubbed "Big Bad Whitey." His cryogenically calculated cuteness hides a heart that beats solely for murder, the bloodier the better. With doe-eyed faux innocence they lure trusting humanity into cuddle-range, dropping their charade to lunge throat-ward only once it's too late.

Though any reasonable person would applaud the continued exclusion of nature's boreal Manson family from protected status, bear-apologists argue that the decision was made to advance mercenary goals. They claim the so-called "oil companies" put pressure on the administration not to act because protecting polar bears could hamper drilling on the artic ocean floor. Well, enviro-ninnies, polar bears don't even live on the ocean floor. They live on the ocean ceiling. Get your facts straight before you go around slandering the good people who produce the fuels that power our lumber-mills and heat our atmosphere.

While Obama can be counted on to continue doing nothing on the polar bear's behalf, doing nothing is no longer enough. Instead of merely denying them endangered status, vigorous measures are needed to reduce their numbers, e.g. wholesale extermination, selective grenading from helicopters, or sterilization in the hopes of inspiring depression and suicide. Unfortunately it appears the government is awaiting the outcome of a recent study predicting climate change will render earth's surface uninhabitable within the next hundred and fifty years. In its finite wisdom, the administration has chosen to gamble that the end of all life on the planet some decades hence will render the polar bear crisis moot, saving taxpayers thousands of dollars in tedious paperwork.

The problem with this lazy, narrow minded bureaucratic penny pinching, however brilliant, is its short-sightedness. As climate change progresses the cunning polar bears will rapidly adapt to new circumstances as we diligently squander our lives blogging to each other that global warming is a myth until the day we find ourselves gawking at the breathtaking HD images of the Himalayas melting into lava on Google Earth.

How the end of the world will impact human/arctic ursine relations is, of course, impossible to foresee. Here is exactly what will happen:

2013: The final champagne bucket's word of arctic ice melts, obliterating the last polar bear habitat. Polar bears evolve gills, eat all fish, seals, penguins and swimming humans.

2021: Sea levels rise by five meters, inundating coastal cities. Seventy percent of habitable land flooded. Waterpark attendance at all time low.

2027: Runaway greenhouse evaporates oceans; entire world becomes accessible by foot, sparking renewed spirit of community, human one-ness. Polar bears re-evolve lungs, adopt exclusive human-o-centric diet.

Polar bear numbers outstrip human population. Bears declare homo sapiens endangered, legislate against eating any but fattest and least popular.

2050: World-wide daytime surface temperatures averages 206 degrees F. Starbucks Hazelnut Liquid Nitrocino credited with preventing thousands from spontaneously combusting. Company adopts motto "Refreshingly Helps You Not Die."

2051: Polar bears set up feeding stations outside most Starbucks.

2077:Humans are virtually extinct in the wild. Captive breeding programs show poor results as human females seem unwilling to mate with males stupid enough to be captured by polar bears.

2081: Last known polar bear on Earth dies. He is mourned across the galaxy by trillions of polar bears on thriving space colonies.

2092: Martian polar bear colony announces birth of its one millionth cub. He is named Snowdrop, in honor of the last president of the United States.

2100:Average daytime temperature reaches 318 degrees F., earth' s surface rendered permanently uninhabitable. Retreating to subterranean existence, humans encounter a race of cave dwelling tropical polar bears who are strict vegetarians. After initial contact and friendly interaction, a co-existence pact is agreed upon. That night, humans are shredded into fertilizer for bear's vast underground orchards.

2130: Jupiter explodes. Debris cloud forms kind of a "J"-shape. Creepy.

2147: Faced with certain extinction, mankind's entire consciousness is up-loaded onto a 4000 Terabyte SanDisk flash memory stick. Stick is left on a park bench; swallowed by a duck.

December 31, 2149: Hyper-advanced inter-dimensional polar bears return to Earth in quantum-singularity powered space-time craft on mercy-mission to rescue the last four surviving humans. Humans decline due ship's noticeable "wet fur" smell.