First and foremost, I was suicidal. This is a subject I've since written about, spoken about, shared about. But at the time I suffered in silence. As so many do.
-Wentworth Miller
For those that have seen, or heard about. the vicious meme depicting a healthy, fit ‘Prison Break’ actor Wentworth Miller cropped alongside a photo of him from unhealthier times in 2010 it’s easy to imagine the kind of associated negative thinking that goes with that type of public body shaming and judgement. Miller, who gained a significant amount of weight during a self-imposed semi-retirement from the screen, was increasingly despondent and suicidal. The meme, he said on a public Facebook post in 2011 was the low point in a series of depression-induced struggles which he also said he’s endured for most of of his life.
Wentworth Miller’s Inspiring Speech at A Human Rights Campaign
I stopped for a moment to think about the issue of image and body shaming in our society and how that ties into mental health alongside equally-important and probably more quickly recognized issues (like my own severe Bipolar Disorder) or my own past issues with nearing diabetes, being overweight, an struggling in some ways like Mr. Miller. For a moment it was surreal to see the similarities in his struggle align with those of my own. If you’re not familiar with my story it's important to know that the voices in my head have always been something that I’ve struggled with. The commands at one point reaching a fever pitch which ultimately drove me to jump over the rail at the Golden Gate Bridge in 2000. Luckily, I survived. My story:
Trailer of My Forthcoming Documentary Film: Suicide The Ripple Effect
And Miller, by vocalizing his fears and taking his own defense of his mental health public while asking for help when he needed it most. He did the thing that probably saved his life: He talked about it. His stance on depression and his candor about the experience and also his life today in recovery are instrumental for the issues of suicide prevention and mental health awareness. As I’ve said for quite some time talking about the things we struggle with is the hardest thing to do but it’s also the best thing. Miller went on to detail how his depression grew during the public whiplashing over his body image and how those two elements kept him living in silence. He felt alone. Miller has also said how depression and his silent battle has “cost him time, opportunities, relationships and a thousand sleepless nights.”
The interesting thing to note is that Miller has gone on record saying that his addiction to food and becoming overweight were absolutely tied to other issues, too. Sex, drugs, alcohol. There was never much in the way of moderation and there was also the element of pain which cause him to create feelings (or detract from them) and escape that pain with food. He even watched television shows about food, even the idea of preparing a meal. You can read the entire story here via the Telegraph:
I empathize with those things- the fear, the loneliness, the silence. The need to mask my feelings and act in that behavior. The struggle out of not wanting to be a burden to others. To be afraid to talk when I needed that more than anything. Miller’s struggle with his body image issues and depression is in many ways a mirror image of the one’s we all face. There’s so much pressure in today’s world to be perfect. To have the perfect body. To be the perfect person with zero body fat and a six pack washboard abs. The irony is that the benefit of being healthy and working out may very well be nearing or reaching those exact things. If overdone, too much exercise, and dangerous dieting can tip the scale in the opposite direction, becoming obsessive about every lb. That can lead to an eating disorer, or body dysmorphic disorder. But to have the public plainly define a person like Wentorth’s value due to his weight is wrong. And it’s understandable the way Miller reacted at the time when he was made to be an object of despise for being unfit.
It’s important to make sure we do all that we can to talk about our struggles even when it feels like we should be doing the opposite. You’re not alone! Affirmations are important in the world of treatment and I want you to #BeHereTomorrow as I always say. A major factor in supporting that goal is community- working to be okay with talking about things when we struggle. Being able to reach out and ask for help. There’s so many outlets available to you. Including: Also, don’t forget to navigate to our 17th & Montgomery Productions Video Channel for links to mental health content and my upcoming documentary film Suicide The Ripple Effect as well as information on my upcoming appearances.