Waking up to the news of hostages being held in Mumbai reminded me of our night of terror and got me thinking of all that has happened since, good and not so good, and what the long term effects are that so many are getting ready to grapple with in the aftermath of violent trauma.
My daughter logged on to her Facebook account last night and saw a new kind of alert: 2 Kidnap Requests. To us, survivors of being kidnapped, tapped with bombs and held hostage for 14 hours, this wasn't just a Facebook alert, it was an actual experience we have endured. We have healed a lot since those three men attacked us, men that were absolutely terrorists. The kind of terrorists that live here in our neighborhoods, plot and carry out these types of acts. But these terrorists go by a different title: gangs. And although we have come to a place where we can see something that reads "2 Kidnap Requests" and laugh together at the irony of it, there are many long term changes that we have come to accept, embrace and learn how to live with.
Sleep still doesn't come so easily. Having guns in my face have led to my being very hyper-sensitive to having anyone touch my face. Being stalked for two months leading up to the attack has led to being possibly overly cautious about being followed. Living out in a rural area will never be an option for us again and being alert to certain sounds and smells play key roles in our lives even today.
For us help did not come for several days. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder was something I had never even known about until I was experiencing it while I watched my daughter emotionally disappear right along with me. It was frightening and paralyzing. I wish so much that my family and friends knew about this very real disorder and were able to understand and contribute to our healing from an educated perspective and not see us as unraveling, stressed out messes they did not know how to deal with. We didn't know what was happening to us. Neither did they. We didn't know if we would ever be normal again. Neither did they. Sick to our stomachs, scratching at our skin, hearing, seeing, smelling them for months, headaches, suicidal thoughts that plagued me because I just wanted one second of peace in my head...these and many other challenges were all very prevalent in our daily lives for so long.
Through long-term trauma therapy treatment at Chadwick Center in San Diego we have learned how to identify and work through triggers and have helped to educate those around us about PTSD. We now see that this has made us live a safer and more responsible life in terms of being aware of surroundings, people, and more sympathetic to many others who have suffered a violent victimization. We have learned that just because we had this very scary life experience doesn't mean the rest of our lives has to be scary. Instead, we celebrate every day in a way we probably never would have without having lived through this horrific ordeal.
I could not help but think of the friends and family of those hostages in Mumbai, and many here in America that are traumatized by the violence that occurs on our streets every day, and how they must take charge and begin to study what PTSD looks like for a survivor of violence, abuse and trauma. This will empower them to help on a very significant level.
Today I am thankful to be an advocate for PTSD awareness and write candidly about living through and beyond PTSD in my book, Held Hostage. I can only hope that those beginning their journey out of the darkness and trauma of being held hostage will have more information, more help, more people around them immediately that are educated and aware of what they will be working through for years to come and that a normal response to violent trauma sometimes means working through symptoms of PTSD that may last a lifetime.
For more information about youth and adult PTSD, visit www.Michelle-Renee.com, www.vtap.org or www.NCTSN.org