My Job Application To Be FBI Director

05/10/2017 11:41 am ET Updated May 19, 2017
Jonathan Ernst / Reuters

The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC

Dear sir,

Since I’ve heard on the news that there is an opening as FBI Director, I would like to submit my application for the job. I know that you have an “Acting Director” at the moment, but that’s someone who was already working at the agency, and I’m sure you’d much rather put your own unique stamp on the position and also have someone in the job without a pre-conceived idea of what to do and what qualifies as “the law.”

No doubt your first thought for who to hire is Jared Kushner, but given how busy he is with all his other positions in the administration saving the world, you probably shouldn’t give him one more. Not because he can’t do all the jobs ― I’m sure that he can ― but it hurts the administration’s unemployment numbers if only one person is doing all the jobs. Besides, there’s a chance he could be indicted for his own business dealings with Russians that are on the record. I know you’re not particularly concerned with conflicts of interest, but that aside I don’t believe it’s legal for someone to investigate himself, so you should probably leave yourself some wiggle room.

I understand that at first glance I might not seem an ideal candidate for the job, not having a law degree or ever having served in law enforcement or run a large organization ― or small one ― and have no experience for the job, unless writing, computer technology, PR and having had a paper route might seem applicable (besides which I once worked at a grocery store, and a Burger King and was a camp counselor, so I know something about dealing with unruly underlings, how to track down items when asked, and grilling a suspect), but hear me out.

No, I don’t have any experience for the job. But then, you don’t have any for your job, and yours is a whole lot harder ― even you acknowledged that you didn’t realize how hard it was. And yet there you are, with plenty of time to hold up Executive Orders for the camera and still play golf a few times a week. So, not having experience to be “FBI Director,” tosh, by comparison that’s not a hurdle. In fact, it’s a benefit. The FBI staff is already full of trained agents. All they need is a figurehead, and it sounds like that’s largely what you want.

The one attribute that I do have, however, which might appear to disqualify me is that I’m an independent sort and wouldn’t listen to anything you say. I can state this with certainty since I don’t do so now and have long experience at it. (On the positive side, that’s finally some experience I can point to!) But since I wouldn’t be listening to anything you say, think of all the insanely idiotic and even illegal things you can talk about which I wouldn’t pay any attention to. And since I really wouldn’t have a clue what I’m doing in the job, just imagine what you can get away with. Maybe even more than you are right now!

This does mean, though, that with trained agents already on the job, there will be times when they would bring me evidence of your wrongdoing, and if that happens I would open a further investigation and do all I could to put you in jail. But think of that as perhaps the biggest positive of all. Since you clearly love firing people and have your own experience now firing an FBI Director for no legitimate reason, consider how joyous and powerful it would be for your to keep doing the one thing you’re good at and love the most. Well, second most after yourself.

One final thing.  One of my grandfathers was born in Russia.  And I think all of my great-grandparents were, as well.  So, if that helps with your decision, I wanted to be sure to let you know.

And so, I respectfully submit my application to be FBI Director.

Sincerely,

Robert J. Elisberg FBI Director, pending

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