Editor's Note: The following blog post is satire.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. It's not going to be easy, it's not something I'm proud of, and it may ruin my dream of one day becoming Commissioner of the PGA Tour, but I have to get this off my chest:
I had sex with Tiger Woods.
I know that may be hard for some of you to hear, but it's true. Tiger and I got...it...ON.
But before you all jump on your high horses and judge me for my indiscretions, allow me to explain: I did it for the money. With the job market being what it is, and with student loans and credit card bills piling up, this seemed like the easiest, fastest way to bring home the bacon. I mean, TMZ offered me loads of cash to come clean about the affair even before it happened, and three different publishing companies contacted me about a tell-all book. (For those interested, "My Tiger" hit stores this week and makes the perfect last-minute Christmas gift.)
So, after weighing all of the options, I did it. Or rather, we did it. And then we did it again. And again. And again. And then, just to make sure that I had enough details to fill the book, we did it one more time.
When the affair began, I really thought that I was the only one. Tiger told me that I was different - that I was special. He said that I wasn't like the other women he had been with (probably because I am a man), that his marriage was on the rocks, and that nothing made him happier than the time we spent together. There were text messages, voicemails, and little love notes taped to his fairway woods; but I know now that it was all a lie.
And so, several months later, now that all of the checks have cleared and the book is available online and at all major bookstores, I would like to issue some apologies. I realize that I have hurt and embarrassed a lot of people, and for that I am truly sorry.
First, I want to apologize to Tiger's wife, Elin Nordegren. Elin, please know that I am so sorry for any pain that I may have caused and that none of this was intentional. Well actually, to be clear, the pain wasn't intentional, but the sex definitely was. I guess sometimes a man just needs to feel the touch of another man - sorry about that. But hey, look on the bright side - at least I'm not another stripper or porn star, right?
Also Elin, I know that you have two kids and two dogs, so I am sorry if this messes up their lives at all. I was a kid once, so I feel like I can relate to what Sam and Charlie must be going through. I mean, my parents never cheated on each other or went through a highly publicized divorce or anything like that, but still, I feel like I can relate, and I know it must be tough. And while I have never been a dog, I bet this can't be easy on Taz or Yogi either. So yeah, I'm sorry.
Next, I'd like to apologize to my friends and family. I know it won't be easy to hear the insults, jokes, and ridicule that will come my way in the coming days, weeks, and months, but please try to remain strong. No one wants to watch someone they love go through something like this, but remember, I am being paid lots and lots of money to take this abuse, so I'll be fine.
And finally, I'd like to say a quick word to all of the young people out there. I know that many of you looked up to Tiger Woods, but honestly, I am the real hero here. In fact, one of the reasons I did this was to show all of you that dreams can come true, and that you too can one day make it big. You just need to find a high-profile celebrity, work your way into his pants, and the rest will take care of itself.
And so, at the end of the day, while it's easy to get caught up in questions like Why did I do it?, Do I regret it?, Am I making the whole thing up?, and Boxers or briefs?, I think it's important that we remain focused on what actually matters here: that I have come clean, that I have admitted my indiscretions, and that you can still pick a copy of "My Tiger" at a bookstore near you.