New mum wish list in response to the question ‘Is there anything I can do?’

06/19/2017 09:54 am ET

You know that phrase, ‘Sleep while you can before the baby arrives because you won’t be sleeping at all once he gets here’.

Heavily pregnant and keen to be able to lie on my front again, I smiled politely and felt naively optimistic.

We are almost twenty months in and we have had only one ‘own bed all night moment’ but it’s all good. We have a healthy, happy chappy and I’m sure we will get there. I didn’t sleep until I went to school so just another few years eh?!

I hadn’t anticipated the effect a lack of sleep would have, I finally understand why professionals hammer on about it. A few weeks back I was having a particularly hairy morning after four or five nights with only a couple of hours kip. My mum came over and sweetly said 'Is there anything I can do?'. Usually I say ‘Nope, it’s fine’ or smile exhaustingly as I notice she is already doing the dishes.

In those moments of fatigue, it can be difficult to make a sandwich, let alone articulate your feelings. Mainly a five minutes of peace without the soundtrack of the Vtech walker ‘Welcome to our sodding learning farm’ or a few extra hours of undisturbed sleep will do the trick. However I thought it would be fun to think about the question in an alternative way. If you could write your wish list in response to ‘Is there anything I can do?’ what would you write? Here are a few of mine…

The wardrobe

The walk in wardrobe with the perfectly designed compartments. For many of the early months I hung around in some rather ropey ASOS leggings (they didn’t start off ropey) with a combination of weird button down tops. Or THAT red dressing gown which I seem to have been photographed in approximately 1247 times. Oh what a treat it would be to skip down the landing (a landing like apartment in the film Curly Sue, please) and push open the double doors to find a bespoke, boutique selection of brilliantly washed and ironed outfits that I could just pull on. MTV cribs- I am available.

My desk

Lots of my work is completed from home and my home office used to be reasonably clutter free. Now at any given time, you may find a stacks of bibs, odd socks, random bricks, half drunk cups of tea and a load of wires. All the wires… I would like to compromise and order a more Pinterest friendly situation; some marbled coasters, perhaps some fresh notebooks in coral and mint, some kick ass quotes that don’t make me want to vom and a regular tea service with a selection of snacks ‘Is it on the trolley?!’.

At what age does your child *fill in the blank*

A compulsory curriculum addition… preferably starting from nursery age. After a sleepless night, you want to just casually lean across so you can quickly absorb the caffeine. The issue of one of you having to leave the bed to go to the kitchen can be infuriating (clearly these are not major world problems- this is my wish list after all). If our children could be taught how to make a tea or coffee (dangers aside) and deliver it to us efficiently, that would be dreamy. After all it seems our children do have more energy at that time of the day. Perfectly reasonable?!! Perhaps with a lightly buttered bagel. Nothing fancy. We will work up to the roast dinner.

Mary Poppins

An ability to transform into Mary Poppins when short on time or patience.

‘And snap, the job’s a game’… this would be particularly useful in hurriedly clearing away plastic or random food on the floor/hands/face/back of the neck (yours and theirs). My most frequent snap would be before I place my baba into the buggy. An early prediction and then an immediate alteration on the buggy straps/clothing ratio would be ideal. No more gruff swearing. No more babies escaping with the smugness of Debbie McGee and no more fear of cutting off circulation.

The fridge

Our fridge looks glorious for approximately 37 minutes after the online shop has been delivered. Then it is array of bowls; beans, tuna, random purees and half eaten dinners. To avoid the thrown together standard egg/beans/cheese on toast grind perhaps the fridge could be filled to display a high end wedding buffet. Not much beige but stuff that could be described as zingy.

A selection of skewers, some plates of salad (at least two containing pomegranates and halloumi- natch!) and little desserts that are miniature, all lined up in trios. Perhaps exhibited on a lazy Susan or two and available to be grazed upon throughout the day. On a side note, when I smugly showed my mother in law my new purchase of a lazy Susan, I forgot she is in fact called Susan- doh!

A JLo glow and big hair. (who incidentally is 47- wow. I need to up my game) Since becoming a mum my face has gained way more ‘character’ so a little sun kiss and casual vitality would be welcomed.

Set the timer

A bubble bath, candles, Red magazine, wine/tea (depending on how the day has gone) on a timer. How lovely to wander into your bathroom and have a pre prepared zen moment. Now I may sound wild here but what about the addition of some smug loungewear politely ‘warming through’ on the radiator for afters. That’s luxury living right there, people.

Finally a Big Brother system with a drop down zip wire that can attach to anything sturdy and take you back to your house in ten seconds ...

Now bear with me… You know when you have had a rough day at work you kind of need to march it out. Like a Rosemary Conley work out from the 90s… Maybe a few grapevines around the shops to buy some frivolous that will stick a smile on your face or you just need a good old drop of wine to take the edge off. Or maybe liven up a Wednesday night with a cinema trip and several rounds of cocktails. When you have kids; their bedtime routine becomes yours. You are there doing it with them. Childcare can be expensive and you only want to bring out the big guns (aka the grandparents) when necessary- you may be judged if you call them in for the purposes of ‘Mama just needs a wine on her own right now!’. Imagine a scenario where by you can put your kidlets to sleep and then hop on the zip wire to your midweek fun destination. Technology will keep you up to date at all times and then if you need to go home your zip wire would escort you back in a maximum of ten seconds. Someone please invent this.

So there we have it. A little wish list. What are on yours? Remember Christmas is coming and those closest to us don’t always know what to get us so maybe it is time to start leaving some light but ridiculous hints.

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