OMG! God Is Everywhere -- Even on the World Wide Web!

09/11/2014 03:06 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

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God has been stalking me. On the Internet. Now mind you, I think it could possibly be a God Fraud, (He spells his name Godd) but I still find it enormously flattering and will NOT get a restraining order. It all started when I couldn't resist clicking on the "See Who Viewed You Recently," button on "LinkedIn." And there he was -- Godd had been Googling me!

Godd's Profile on "LinkedIn"
PROFESSIONS:

  • Vacuum Salesman (Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness?)

  • Detective/Investigator (God Works in Mysterious Ways?)
  • Atlas Van Lines (God Can Move Heaven AND Earth?)
  • Beef Industry (Holy Cow!)
  • Math Teacher (Your Numbers Up!)
  • He also endorsed me as a Donut Poet, Toothpick Sculpturer, and Meatloaf Heart-Shaper. (Don't say, "What?" It's nice for Valentine's Day dinner.) But how on earth did Godd ever know that about me?

    The next thing I knew, Godd sent me a Friend Request on Facebook!!

    For Heaven's sake!

    So I checked him out there, too....

    Godd's Profile on Facebook

    Divorced From: Betsy (Heavens To Betsy!)

    Children: Two

    Daughter - Marcy (Lord Have Mercy? - - Typo on Birth Certificate?)

    Son - Susej (Dyslexia?)

    Favorite Quote: "There, but for the Grace of God, Go I."

    Favorite Food: Angel Food Cake

    Favorite Song: "My Sweet Lord" (George Harrison) and "God Only Knows" (The Beach Boys)

    Favorite Movie: All Dogs Go To Heaven

    Pet Peeve: Why do millions of people have to sneeze every single minute?

    Then to my surprise, I got a notification that Godd had become a Follower of my humor blog on WordPress, so I went to peruse his personal Blog and this is what I saw.


    "Godd With a Blog"
    (Where I Part the Red C C's)

    This blog is for all my creations made in my own image. I am all places at all times, all knowing and all powerful. I command you to follow thee.

    COMMENTS (3)


    Benjamin A. - - Wow. You've really got a God complex. Good luck with that, buddy!"

    Dustin Vincent - - Thanks for liking my most recent post about Tablets. You did understand that I was writing about electronic tablets, right? Just checking, because your advice to smash them was confusing? At any rate, it will be nice to have an omniscient narrator around these parts.

    Jamie Asian Spice - - I really like the theme of your blog. Maybe you could write an updated list of the Ten Plagues? Cuz Lice? Eww! Really?

    Then suddenly I got a Wink from Godd at Match.Com. Of course I just had to view him there.

    Godd's Profile on Match.Com

    Hi! Thank you for considering me. Though I'm not tall, dark and handsome, I count my blessings that I don't look like George Burns. But the good news is - YOU needn't have the face of an Angel, either. Just be a good person. I would describe my personality as follows: Wise (Proverbs 3:19; Romans 16:26-27) Righteous and Just (Deuteronomy 32:4; Psalm 11:7; Psalm 119:137) and Gracious (Exodus 34:6).

    I have just a few rules I would like for my Perfect Match to follow, well there's Ten really. Be warned: There could be Hell to pay if you don't abide by them. But we can talk about that on our first date. And Holy Smokes, please be a non-smoker! As for what we'll do together? For G-d's sake, please leave that in My Hands, too. I have a Grand Plan. But we won't be going to hell in a handbasket, I can promise you that.

    My hobbies are walking on water, burning bushes, raising hell and when it freezes over, I pave the road to it with good intentions. I also enjoy keeping busy with arts and crafts because idle hands are the devil's workshop.

    What am I looking for in a mate? Just please don't have a fiery temper like my last girlfriend - - Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.

    After all this evidence of Godd's existence, I thought we might be fairly compatible so I poked Godd and gave him my phone number. I even exuded a little excitement over meeting him. I got this text back from him:

    No OMG's! pls.

    That was followed by another message, which made me think he might be the jealous type.

    i m only 1 4 u. seriously! no 1 b4 me.

    We set up a time/place to have coffee and I must say, at first I was rather disappointed when I finally "met my Maker." As is usual for these dating sites, Godd did not resemble his image at all. They must not have been recent pics. And he had a little paunch. I betcha he snored, too.

    But then Godd confessed. He was not "Almighty." He was only just sorta, "Alrighty." It seems he wasn't getting any responses to his ordinary profiles when he had put down his true description of being "Odd" - - so one day he added the "G" just for fun. The results had been life-changing. He immediately felt like God's Gift to Women.

    I was actually somewhat relieved. His "Man Upstairs" identity was just far too much pressure for me to date. But now . . . well my being "Quirky" and him being "Odd" seemed like it could work. I mean we could possibly be a match. Just not a match made in heaven, of course.

    If you want to send a message to G-d, you can do so HERE. What might you tell him?