Patton Oswalt has opened up once again about dealing with grief following the sudden death of his wife, Michelle McNamara.
In a Facebook post shared Monday, the actor and comedian spoke candidly about his struggles with loss, writing, “Thanks, grief. Thanks for making depression look like the buzzing little bully it always was.”
“Depression is the tallest kid in the 4th grade, dinging rubber bands off the back of your head and feeling safe on the playground, knowing that no teacher is coming to help you,” Oswalt continues. “But grief? Grief is Jason Statham holding that 4th grade bully’s head in a toilet and then fucking the teacher you’ve got a crush on in front of the class. Grief makes depression cower behind you and apologize for being such a dick.”
Oswalt also writes about the silver lining that seems to come with grief, noting that after all the pain and exhaustion, “You will have been shown new levels of humanity and grace and intelligence by your family and friends.”
Aside from thanking his family, Oswalt expresses gratitude for the letters and messages he’s gotten from strangers via social media and the mail, the type of letters, he says, “you’ll keep and re-read ‘cause you can’t believe how helpful they are.”
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks,” Oswalt adds. “It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
As he continues to process his emotions, Oswalt says he’s used all his spare energy to complete the “amazing unfinished book” his wife left behind. And even in his time of sadness, he assures his followers, “I’ll start being funny again soon.”
You can read the entire note below:
McNamara died in her sleep on April 21 at the age of 46, though a cause of death has not been given. At the time, Oswalt’s publicist told The Associated Press that McNamara’s death “was a complete shock to her family and friends, who loved her dearly.”
Oswalt also wrote a moving tribute to his wife that was published in Time in May.
“The reaction to her passing, the people who are shocked at her senseless absence, is a testament to how she steered her life with joyous, wicked curiosity,” Oswalt wrote. “Her family is devastated but can’t help remember all of the times she made them laugh or comforted them, and they smile and laugh themselves. She hasn’t left a void. She’s left a blast crater.”