The most endearing yet frustrating thing about Jessica Simpson is the “dumb blonde” persona she cooked up somewhere in the early 2000s, when “Irresistible” was still a bop and her father wasn’t dressing like a misguided teenage fashionista. Just kidding, “Irresistible” will always be a bop.
It was, however, a bit more charming back when Nick Lachey was there to remind her that, yes, what she was eating was fish, not chicken, and she wasn’t making things uncomfortable for everybody on a daytime talk show.
Fast-forward to Monday’s episode of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” with peak Simpson on full display, as she kicked off the interview by informing the public about her childbearing future literally three seconds after sitting down.
“I’m not pregnant on your show!” Simpson exclaimed.
“Are you sure that you’re not pregnant?” Ellen DeGeneres asked. “I heard that you were.”
“Oh, gosh!” the singer replied. “We had an IUD. Nothing’s gonna get in that uterus!”
Refusing to swing at softballs, DeGeneres laughed and said, “I’m not touching that.”
What followed was a stop-start exchange between the two, with DeGeneres trying to keep Simpson on track as she subjected everyone to a painfully off-topic story about mermaids for hire and fumbled over basic math when asked how long she’s been with husband Eric Johnson.
“That’s a long time. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a seven-year relationship, other than with a woman,” Simpson said.
“No, not that!” she added after DeGeneres essentially pulled a Jim from “The Office” and looked at the camera. “No! I mean, my besties that understand me.”
Ellen breaking the fourth wall is all of us.
Watch a clip from the interview above.