Mattel recently announced the release of Short Barbie and Curvy Barbie who will be joining African American and Asian Barbie to round out the assortment of Barbie dolls intended to reflect real women. News flash, Mattel: You forgot a lot of us women who would like to see Barbie dolls reflecting us, such as the following:
Hot Flash Barbie - Hot Flash Barbie comes in many skin tones and eye colors but they all have a few characteristics in common. Clear plastic beads of sweat adorn her brows and cleavage. She sports a strawberry-colored glow on her cheeks and she clutches a big glass of wine in one hand and fan in the other. If Hot Flash Barbie could speak, she'd be giving hell to Ken. He had it comin'.
Botox Barbie - Botox Barbie's taut plastic-looking face is adorned with a half smile and super-arched eyebrows. The absence of facial wrinkles is contrasted with a neck full of loose skin peeking out from beneath her double chin. Botox Barbie is of indeterminate age but the sun spots and veins on her hands suggest that she has lived a long life and maybe spent too much time in Ken's convertible, sans sunscreen.
Reality TV Barbie - Reality TV Barbie enjoys the finest things that money can buy because she and her whiny sisters are earning gobs of money living fake lives in front of the camera. Reality TV Barbie spends a lot of time with Ken who has developed a penchant for prostitutes and drugs of all kinds. Ken keeps Reality TV Barbie in stitches with his alcohol-fueled antics. Reality TV Barbie enjoys staring at the camera and divulging her inner-most secrets or whatever her mother tells her to say for money.
Cougar Barbie - Cougar Barbie has ditched Ken and replaced him with a younger, more manly man whose name is Ken Two Point Oh. Ken Two Point Oh loves the camera and delights in the company of women who are old enough to be his mother. Or older. As long as they have oodles of money and enjoy spending it on him and as long as the tabloids continue to photograph him when he is out with Cougar Barbie.
Muffin Top Barbie - Not to be confused with Curvy Barbie, Muffin Top Barbie isn't curvy anywhere except her mid-section, which is wrapped in Spanx and cinched in by a pair of mid-rise jeans that are two sizes too small. Muffin Top Barbie prefers tight clothing and her accessories include various brightly colored belts that are also too small. Muffin Top Barbie comes with an attitude, at no extra cost.
Roots Barbie - Roots Barbie is a middle-aged woman of indeterminate race who doesn't get her hair colored as often as she should. Sporting a white stripe down her part and grey hairs at her temples, Roots Barbie doesn't care what you think of her hair or what you think of her. She is busy doing stuff she enjoys and she honestly doesn't waste a lot of time on her hair. Soon she will go au natural and let it all go grey, donating the money saved to some damned good cause.
So, Mattel, congratulations on the short and curvy Barbies you recently introduced but don't stop there. We want you to think outside of the short and curvy box and come up with some Barbie dolls that reflect the huge variety of women in the world today. The Barbies described above are just suggestions. There are plenty more where those came from. How about Transgender Barbie? I'll stop now. You're on your own from here on in.
Photographs courtesy of Janet Eve Josselyn who clearly has too much time on her hands.