Pregnancy: The True Story

01/31/2017 02:26 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2017

I am here to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Brace yourselves. This one gets messy.

Is it just me, or am I the only woman who is not a cute, adorable tiny pregnant lady with a teeny baby bump. I am only 15 weeks pregnant, and I can no longer wear my old jeans. All of my T-shirts have turned into unattractive crop tops and my workout gear seems like it was patterned for a toddler. I breathe heavily when I walk up stairs and I groan when I sit down in a chair.

I think of myself as more of a large, angry pregnant woman with a huge baby bump that only wants doughnuts and sleep. Do they write about those in magazines?

I would like to attribute this to the fact that I have LARGE BABIES. Okay I had one large baby. But I mean, a 9 pound, 2 ounce newborn is big. After three hours of pushing they realized his 15 centimeter head just wouldn’t fit. C-section for the win!

I swear, I woke up the other day with a rather noticeable baby bump. The good news is that people no longer question whether I am pregnant or just ate a large burrito. Hell, at this point in time it could be both!

Disclaimer: Yes, I am adding another disclaimer. I have to because some people think my blogs mean I am a bad mom who is not thankful for her beautiful family. I am SO LUCKY to be carrying a healthy child. I prayed for this baby and could not be more grateful that our family is growing.

So back to the real message of this blog.

The bad news about this pregnancy is that:

  • I get irrationally angry. Someone cut in front of me in line at The Rolling Pin ― my favorite donut shop ― and it took everything in me not to punch them in the face then go key their car. Hahahahaha. I promise I am normally a very laid back human, but watch out for me while I’m pregnant. And waiting in line for a delicious donut.

  • I AM SO HUNGRY! My three food groups right now are carbs, sugar and cheeseburgers. When I was pregnant with Henry, my doctor had to tell me NOT to eat for two because I gained so much weight.

  • I still puke a lot. I’m hoping this comes to an end soon now that I am officially in the second trimester.

  • Being pregnant and having a toddler is crazy hard. When I get home, I want to sleep. Or lay on the couch and not move. Not possible. I would like to thank my husband for being a great sport and pretty much taking care of our toddler every night so I can go to bed at 7 p.m.

  • I have zero energy. None. Zilch. Which pretty much means I am no fun lately.

  • I really miss wine. And ginger beer. In the past, if I had a bad day, I would have a couple glasses of wine and my worries would melt away. Now I reach for a cookie and hope for the best.

  • I miss drinking offensive amounts of caffeine. My day used to be fueled by it. Now it is fueled by my hopes and dreams of caffeine in the future. And sugar. Lots of sugar.

  • As much as I can preach self-love and talk about how excited I am for this baby, it is very hard to watch my body expand. I know my nutrition isn’t helping so don’t even go there.

  • I can smell any dog pooping within a ten mile radius. I can also tell you when the Krispy Kreme has fresh donuts before they turn the sign on.

  • None of my shoes fit. Luckily this will be a summer baby and flip flops will be acceptable footwear.

  • I have crazy bad gas. Sorry fellas that might be reading this. It’s the truth.

  • I will not be showing off my baby bump in a cute two-piece at the pool this summer. I would LOVE to be that tiny and confident person but it’s just not in the cards for me at this point. Unless I put down the cheeseburgers which I don’t see happening.

  • Lastly, I sweat all the time. Even when I sleep. I sweat when I’m NOT MOVING!

Fifteen weeks down, 25 to go. Next time you see me, comment on my hair or my purse because I know that I’m not glowing. It’s probably just sweat.

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