The White House
June 18, 2017
6:00 AM: Daily Skype session with Vladimir. Argue over who has to hang up first.
6:15 AM: Tweet about Obama being a terrible father. Hillary, too.
6:30 AM: Text Alec Baldwin: “Saw SNL rerun last nite. U suck! No talent!”
7:00 AM: Fire the first person who walks into the Oval Office.
7:01 AM: Name Jared as that person’s replacement.
7:30 AM: Sponge bath. Extra bubbles. Most bubbles ever.
8:00 AM: Yoga. Change “Namaste” to “NastyWoman.” Tweet about that change.
8:30 AM: Breakfast with older kids: Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, and the other one.
9:00 AM: Give Ivanka a big hug.
9:01 AM: Give Ivanka another big hug. Just because.
9:30 AM: Golf with Barron. Teach the boy about alternative facts. And scores.
11:30 AM: Express manicure. (Small hands.)
11:35 AM: Lunch with Robert Mueller. Give him a wink that says: Go easy on the boss, OK?
1:00 PM: Photo op with “Orphans for Trump.” Make jokes about Oliver Twist.
1:30 PM: See Melania in the hallway. Wave. Wave again, since sometimes she doesn’t notice the first time.
2:00 PM: Mid-afternoon snack: two scoops of ice cream.
2:30 PM: Begin reading Hillbilly Elegy in the South Lawn hammock.
2:31 PM: Get bored. Fall asleep. Dream something. Remember to share it with Vlad the next morning.
3:30 PM: Intelligence briefing with Reince. Very intelligent intelligence.
4:00 PM: Tweet some state secrets. Make up a new word along the way.
4:30 PM: Settle one lawsuit; inspire another.
5:00 PM: Press conference. Spicer to declare me “World’s Best Dad.” So true!
5:30 PM: Watch “Hannity” on tape delay. Fall deeper in love.
6:00 PM: Issue an Executive Order removing America from the metric system.
6:01 PM: Find out that America wasn’t on the metric system. Blame the media.
6:30 PM: Dinner with Melania. Awkward conversation. Palpable tension. Body armor.
7:30 PM: XBox marathon with Barron.
9:00 PM: Tweet screenshot of 100% completion rating in Grand Theft Auto V.
9:01 PM: Remind Barron about alternative facts. And completion ratings.
10:00 PM: Get ready for bed. Notice a few towels that don’t say TRUMP on them. Fix that.
10:01 PM: Climb into bed. All alone. Sad!
10:02 PM: Say some prayers. Recite a passage from the Bible. Probably “Two Corinthians.”
10:03 PM: Think about changing my ways. Think better of it. Grow tired of thinking.
10:04 PM: Fall asleep.
10:05 PM: Dream of new ways to make America great again.
11:59 PM: Wake up from a terrible nightmare. Tweet about it.