COMEDY
11/25/2015 05:06 pm ET

Reasons We Drink Heavily On Thanksgiving

Because -- *glug glug glug* -- that's what you've been up to.
Hope you're hungry, kids! We have a lot of feelings to eat!
Lambert via Getty Images
Hope you're hungry, kids! We have a lot of feelings to eat!
  • If you're gonna eat all that food, you better get something in your stomach first.
  • So you can forget Dad's lengthy trip to the bathroom immediately before dessert.
  • Between you and your significant other, only one of you has to drive. It's a race to the bottom of the bottle.
  • Your grandma is surprisingly good at Quarters.
  • You decided to do a shot every time a relative wished an entire race of people would "stop complaining."
  • The bacteria in this undercooked turkey are going to have to earn their place in your body. This isn't Thanksgiving. This is Thunderdome.
  • Your sister's boyfriend has this opportunity for you to sell this Herbalife juice product that is definitely not a pyramid scheme. Anyway, it mixes well with vodka.
  • To avoid the weird advances from your second cousin.
  • Because the only thing that takes more courage than love is pretend love.
  • Your young, Republican cousin can't decide between Ben Carson and Donald Trump, just like you can't decide between scotch and bourbon. By the end of the night, he'll still be undecided. But you? You've chosen both.
  • Someone in your family is pregnant, so you're drinking for two now!
  • Your dad just took his high school championship football off the mantle and it's better if you're out of the way.
  • I mean, the liquor cabinet is right there.
  • Because you have a lot of crazy things to say and being drunk will be your only excuse in the coming days.
  • No reason for a holiday to get in the way of your normal Thursday routine.
  • You need something to wash out the smell of that Taco Bell you ate on the way.
  • Many polls still have Donald Trump leading the pack of Republican presidential nominees.
  • Because can we speed this whole thing along, please? Thanks.

 

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