Russia Did It: The Democratic Party's Last Hope To Stay Relevant

03/24/2017 04:22 am ET Updated Mar 31, 2017
President Vladimir Putin
BBC Russia's Non-War on Memes
President Vladimir Putin

Tired of hearing about Russia yet? I hope not because that’s all the Democrats have to offer for the next two-fou years. That and resisting Trump being president, which is like resisting my late grandmother pinching my cheeks going...

“You’re so cutttteee. You chubby, wubby cheeky Timmy. Wimmy...bbbllllllaaaaaahhhhh...blllaaaahhhhhhh”.

Face it, America. The Democrats are going to ride this Russia thing not just until the wheels fall off, they’re going to ride it until the wheels disintegrate, the rims start eating up the asphalt and the friction causes a fire so big it eats up all the other cars on the road.

Tim, that’s crazy talk!  Sure, it may sound crazy, but if you shake your head real fast it makes sense, and the Democratic Party must be doing a lot of it!

But why? Ask yourself: what do you do if you’re a political party with no vision? I mean it’s not like the Democrats can just run out and talk to poor people, unemployed people, sick people, homeless people or addicted people and ask what types of policies will excite you and bring you back to our dying party? No, they can’t do that. Those selfish bastards might actually ask for something! And we all know if they ask for something and the word gets around, it might become popular. And if that thing becomes popular, other people might hear about it and want it: you know, like universal health care. Then, God forbid, they might have to actually fight for it and tick off their corporate sponsors. And if something get’s popular, geeze, we might end up with a freaking movement, and that’s the last thing Democrats want. They might end up stuck with another Bernie Sanders moment. Can’t have that! No way!


No. They must create a boogeyman instead. And not just any old boogeyman either. The Democrats needed a boogeyman so scary that voters forget they've lost more congressional seats than drunk Cubs fans coming back from their fourth beer-run during the seventh inning stretch against the Cardinals.

Creating a boogeyman is a lot easier than creating big goals. Boogeyman gives us something to hate and to fear at the same time. Boogeymen are also excellent fundraising tools: nothing gets middle-aged, upper-middle-class white women to donate like a boogeyman!

"Who cares if poor black kids in Flint have more lead in their water than their pencils, Ruth, we gotta stop those Ruskies!

The Democratic Party not only created a boogeyman they created an illusion that if we tie this boogeyman (Russia) to this orange man (Trump), they might get who they wanted to begin with: the Westworld female android (Hillary).

Don't fool yourselves, getting Hillary installed as President is the pretend prize they're dangling in front of these frustrated baby boomers who just want to live long enough to see a woman take the Oval Office. You bet your Lexapro they do! The Democratic Party wants a do-over, and they want it now.

And to think you guys had the nerve to call me crazy for supporting Jill Stein's recount effort? Hypocrites!

Russia Did It Meme
Russia Did It Meme

Hillary Supporters must believe Russia stole our democracy, because if Russia didn’t steal it, they’d have to face the bitter reality that Hillary lost. Yup, she plain flat-out didn’t have the goods, peeps. Dammit! She wasn’t good enough after all. Not good enough is not something these middle-aged women want to hear, they’ve been hearing it all their lives, and this was their chance to show the world a woman could do it. To get that chance, these women actually believe they must impeach Trump and install Hillary...because Putin hacked our elections.

Speaking of hacking, did you know most people don’t know this whole “Russia Hacked Our Election” thing isn’t about hacking at all? They’ve been fooled into believing someone cracked our election ballot-counting computers and flipped the vote from Hillary to Trump. Don’t believe me? Ask someone. That’s right. Talk to an actual human being (not in the media) who doesn’t eat, sweat, drink and burp this politics stuff and see what they believe this whole “Russia Stole Our Democracy” thing means. The answer might surprise you.

Sorry, soccer moms. Not even Rachel Mad-Cow or Keith OWhattaBumb Olbermann is claiming Putin or the Kremlin hacked voting computers, flipped votes, shut down polling centers, lost ballots, changed your chosen party, thus robbing your right to vote, or anything along those lines. They’re a thousand miles from that.. That’s right! There’s no evidence of anything other than a few people who were cheering for Trump at some point happened to like Russian Dressing instead of Hidden Valley Ranch or Blue Cheese.

Sorry to disappoint you, Yvonne. The whole Scary Russia thing is about one thing and one thing only:

Replacing Trump with Hillary. Oh, and fundraising...and media ad revenue, and staying relevant. Oh, and last but not least, it's about payback for Wikileaks, those documents that embarrassed Hillary Clinton, the Clinton Foundation and the Democratic National Committee, what we more progressive-leaning folks like to call the Do Nothing Cheaters. They didn't like Podesta's Emails being leaked. Notice I said leaked, that's why it's called “Wiki-Leaks” and not "Wiki-Hacks." Some people still can't seem to get their head around that distinction.

I know it hurts to hear, but even if they're successful (which I 99.99% doubt) the best they can do is give you President Pence. And if you thought Trump threatening to grab your body parts was bad, ole Pencey boy wants to throw a chastity belt on them and swallow the key!

Vice President Mike Pence
Vice President Mike Pence

So, basically, America has been bamboozled. Like my not-so-smart friend Rodney said to me on the first day of middle-school:

"It's going to be a long four years".

For those needing a little more clarity maybe this video will provide some context.

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