ENTERTAINMENT

Sarah Silverman Thinks It's Time To Start Legislating Male Masturbation

If we're going to dictate what women do with their bodies, might as well dictate what men do with theirs.

Look, Sarah Silverman gets it. We live in a country filled with anti-abortion activists who feel they have the right to decide what a woman does with her body. It sucks, but that's where we're at. In 2016. Sure, fine, OK.

But if we're going to defend the right of men to enact laws that limit the options of pregnant women, Silverman has just one follow-up question: Shouldn't we do the same with men who wish to regularly masturbate without consideration for the poor sperm cells they kill every time they do so?

During a stand-up set at the Brooklyn Academy of Music in New York City on Sunday evening, Silverman noted a recent discovery she made about one half of the very basis of human life. And no, we're not talking about eggs.

"Here’s something that I learned that is fascinating, and it's this: Scientists have found that sperms cells smell," Silverman said. "Like I know sperm smells, but sperm cells have the sense of smell, and you know what that means: Sperm is life. And you know what that means: We’ve gotta legislate that shit."

Do you get where she's going with this? You get where she's going with this. But let's go with her anyway. Silverman noted that multiple states still require women to look at an ultrasound of their fetuses before they make the final decision to go forward with their abortions. And if that's the case, why don't we have men do something similar whenever they are about to sexually relieve themselves?

"What we’ll do is -- it’s a real simple procedure. We take a really long needle-like basically GoPro camera and we put it down your penis hole, urethra … then down into your testicular sack," Silverman said. "We’re going to show you the ultrasound, so you can see the life in your balls."

Her hope, she said, is to save these poor sperm cells from the men who aren't afraid to kill them with their bare hands. And peeking into a future in which her plan is enacted, Silverman said, "You would not believe the amount of men that do not want to jerk off after that."

We liked this idea, so we checked out the science of smelling sperm, and there are studies going back at least to 1992 on the issue. Unfortunately, one article from 2012 out of the Max Planck Society appears to throw some cold water on the idea that sperm cells can actually smell outside of the laboratory, but let's just keep that between us, shall we? This idea is too good to pass up. 

Silverman was performing as part of a comedy night at the third annual Vulture Festival, which also featured comedians including Todd Barry, Aparna Nancherla, Lizz Winstead, John Early, and Michelle Wolf. It was a good time.

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