02/06/2007 05:10 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Sex In Space? America Demands Answers!!

Once again, reality catches up to tabloiditry.

Years ago I wrote a piece for The Sun, the American supermarket tabloid, entitled "Sex In Space, They've Already Tried It." The piece was rejected because they didn't want any sex stories, something I always regretted because sex is the home page for fantasies. There are more fantasies about sex than any other single aspect of human existence.

Don't look at me like that.

Nevertheless, I didn't include that story in my book "Rabid Nun Infects Entire Convent and Other Sensational Stories From a Tabloid Writer ." It just wasn't as funny as the others, which may be another reason it got shot down by The Sun.

Now we find out that astronaut Lisa Nowak and Shuttle pilot William Oefelein were "involved." They may have tried it during weightless training for all we know. They never flew together, but other men and women have shared that small intimate space aboard the Shuttle. According to MSNBC, "Nowak told police that her relationship with Oefelein was 'more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship,' according to an arrest affidavit."

All of this came out when she was arrested for allegedly going after a woman whom she thought was seeing her celestial lover.

Do our astronauts have meaningless sex in space?

Now the real questions begin:

Did they take their clothes off?
What's it like doing it while weightless?
Did the others know?
How far did they go?
What's the quality of the orgasm in space?
How do they clean up?
Is there video?
Where can I buy it?

As a loyal American citizen, I demand to know these answers. I helped pay for the damned Space Shuttle and the salaries of those astronauts and I want the facts! Here's where Congressional oversight comes into real play.

What have we learned from their experiences?
Did weightlessness contribute to Nowak's alleged jealous rage?
Is the pilot of the shuttle a cad?
Is it true that they had to erase "For a good time call Lisa at (phone number redacted)" on the shuttle and the space station walls?
And just how do all those sperms swim without gravity?

America demands answers!!

A can of worms has been opened! Was this the first time?
Have they been testing out the body's reactions to sex all along?
What about all those men-only flights?
Is there a higher rate of pay for those who participate?
Do they tip?

I want Congressional hearings now! And I want them on C-SPAN, every goddamned second of them.

America is drooling today!

And don't bother looking for the video online. I already tried.