“What goes on in this house, stays in this house. Don’t let me hear about our business on the streets.” That wasn’t a threat; that was a promise.
I was raised in a military household by two proud, black parents. My sister and I knew exactly what was expected of us at all times. We were praised for being seen and not heard when we were presented to Mom and Dad’s important friends. Appearances were everything.
They were so serious about us keeping our family business to ourselves. We could never let on that there was a problem in our home... EVER. Breaking that rule resulted in a whooping from the thick, black, leather belt that hung in the bedroom closet.
What happens when you are a person who was raised not to ask for help and have a child with special needs? I was faced with that issue. I noticed my child was different. He didn’t hit the milestones that were outlined in the many parenting books I studied.
I mentioned my finding to my parents, who quickly dismissed my concerns:
“Every child is different…”
“They are having a healing service at church…”
“He’ll be okay. He just needs a little extra love.”
But he wasn’t okay. My son has autism and other cognitive issues (mental retardation is what they called it back then). He needed therapy and experts. We needed help, and I was afraid to ask for it.
Forty percent of children with autism were identified only at educational sources. Schools were the most important source for information on black children, children of younger mothers, and children of mothers with less than 12 years of education. (Yeargin-Allsopp, Marshalyn et al. “Prevalence of autism in a US metropolitan area.” Jama 289.1 (2003): 49-55.) Some of these families didn’t seek help from their doctors. They didn’t seek the help they needed until an educator intervened.
I’m here to tell you that it is okay to tell your business. It’s okay to ask for professional help. It’s okay not to have a perfect family. It’s time to open up about the things we’ve been afraid to discuss outside of our homes. Let’s have a conversation.
1. Autism and Trauma
A few years ago my teen daughter suffered from severe depression and anxiety. She spent most of her junior year of high school in bed and crying hysterically for hours. I sought professional help for her and discovered that living in a home with autism impacted her life, as well. Her therapist informed me that my daughter has PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). She’s not the only one.
I’ve spoken to other parents about the quality of life in their homes. There are common stories of divorce, financial issues, drug and alcohol abuse and suicide in our families. Our families are broken and we need help to heal the entire family.
2. Sex and Autism
Differently abled doesn’t mean nonsexual. I realized that when I accidentally walked in on my son self-pleasuring while watching porn on his laptop. He still has desires, and his hormones are still active.
I also know of individuals who have been sexually assaulted and abused. How do we keep our sons and daughters safe while teaching them that sex is acceptable between consenting adults?
3. Self Care
It’s not selfish to take care of yourself and the other members of your family. It is difficult to care for others when you are exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed. Is there a way for us to find micro-moments in the chaos just for us? Are we allowed to feel relieved, and not guilty, when we make decisions like finding alternative living arrangements when our child needs more care than we can provide?
I am determined to open the lines of communication in our communities. Let’s have a conversation about these, and other issues, that impact our families. Over the next few weeks, I’ll interview experts in an attempt to bring answers and action steps that you can use today.
Need help? Visit RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Online Hotline or the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s website.