07/14/2007 07:25 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Shivering In The Winter Palace


I recommend you start stocking up on medicine, food, gallons of water, toilet paper, reading material, Potassium Nitrate, Charcoal powder, and Sulfur. Because soon you will notice that things will start drying up from lack of interstate commerce, shortly after the upcoming Terrah-ist Attack on the NewNited States of Murka.

It's already been announced by Michael Chertoff, though he neglected to provide us with a specific date.

And today the Justice Department (a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Fourth Black Branch of Shadow Government) paved the way for the impending declaration of Martial Law in the wake of said Attack, as provided for in Son of the Patriot Act and the Military Sins of Commission Act, both passed last year.

Those "laws" make it painfully clear that the Executing Branch of Government can order FEMA and the Military to round up anyone who threatens the New American Century People (formerly known as US) and throw them in one of the 13 new Federal prisons built to house dissenters. Alls it takes is one big friggin' disaster (like a Katrina or a 9/11) and the POTUS can jail us.

Today Gonzo Alberto basically told the Congress to perform the same anatomically impossible act that Dick Cheney advised a Senator to do last year. When former White House counsel Harriet Miers REFUSED to appear OR testify before the Judiciary Committee today in violation of a Congressional Subpoena, the reigning Attorney General said that was OK and that anyone who had worked for King George IV did not have to follow the law.

Me? I'm sharpening my ax and cudgel, slowly heating up a bucket of pitch, and slicing open my pillow as a resource for feathers.

I think we're past Impeachment boys and girls. First of all, we don't have the votes in the Senate, and we don't have the testicular fortitude in the House.

This gang of hooligans currently sending guns to guard oil wells wouldn't pay an Impeachment proceeding no never mind no how no way anyways. Why would they start listening to the Legislative branch now? Especially when they control the tanks, armored personnel vehicles, and the Judicial branch. Just ask the fired US Attorneys.

And Justice is, of course, serving the pleasure of the President. Sounds like a porn film, dudn't it?

No. I think we have to take matters into our own hands and round up what's left of the National Guard in each state. We then cut off the power to the White House and blockade the mother so no food or water can get inside. Then we start pumping marijuana smoke in until they have to evacuate the building. Smoke 'em out, to quote a famous military leader, the one with the codpiece on the flight deck.

Then we put Shrubby and Deadeye Dick, and anyone else left alive after the firefight outside the Rose Garden, in a cage so's we can haul them around the country behind a John Deere tractor. It'd be a 50-state tour, and we'd make sure to include the territories too.

Wanna make sure everyone has a chance to spit on 'em, don'tcha know.

And if there are those of you who are fetching pitchforks for Guantanmo-style justice and retribution, well, I will not say you nay.

Time to alter AND abolish it. Let's roll!

Trotsky and Hutch