DIVORCE
07/28/2016 04:27 pm ET Updated Aug 01, 2016

9 Signs He's Not The Marrying Type, According To Marriage Counselors

Sound familiar?
Do you get the sense that your partner doesn't want to settle down? Read on.
Peter Zelei via Getty Images
Do you get the sense that your partner doesn't want to settle down? Read on.

He’s perfect for you... on paper. But there are cracks in the foundation of your relationship that make you question if he’ll ever settle down. 

Read on for nine signs he’s just not the marrying type, according to marriage counselors. (Note that this applies to women too!) 

1. He acts younger than he is.

“If he still acts like he’s in a fraternity ― staying out all night, drinking too much ― then he’s not ready for marriage. Getting married requires giving up the self-focus and ‘it’s all about me’ behavior. This doesn’t mean marriage doesn’t allow for some ‘me time,’ because it does, but it’s down on the priority list way below being responsible and considerate of your spouse.” ― Kurt Smith, counselor and director of Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching

2. He lives for the thrill of the chase.

“The beginnings of relationships are inherently exciting with their mystery, romance and untainted passion. After the newness of your relationship wore off, did he seem disinterested, disappointed and ready to move on? Passion develops rapidly but also fades quickly. In healthy marriages, when passion lulls, partners developed intimacy and commitment to keep the relationship connected. However, if he is only invested in passion, he may not feel fulfilled or meet your needs in a marriage.” ― Nari Jeter, marriage and family therapist 

3. He isn’t ready to do the work that marriage requires.

“Despite all the noise about how marriage doesn’t and shouldn’t take work, it does. Marriage puts two people together in a small space and offers zero instruction about how to proceed ― let alone, succeed. If the one you’re with is looking for an easy, no effort relationship, you’re with someone who isn’t going to be a true partner when the going gets rough, as it inevitably will. The idea that marriage requires effort isn’t foreign or scary to someone who’s ready for marriage. After all, with marriage and everything else in life that’s worthwhile, the more of our ourselves that we invest, the more likely we are to create something we cherish. ― Winifred M. Reilly, marriage and family therapist 

4. He doesn’t want to be tied down.

“If you have a dog, for example, and he says, ‘Doesn’t having a dog tie you down?’ he’s given a sign that he’s not the marrying type. If after a few dates, he seems enchanted by you and acts all lovey-dovey, but he flinches instead of being flattered when you ask him sweetly when you’ll hear from him again, he’s saying, ‘Don’t fence me in.’ Same goes for if he wants you for ‘booty calls’ rather than proper dates.” ― Marcia Naomi Berger, clinical social worker, psychotherapist and author

5. He always makes it about him.

“Any healthy relationship needs a give-and-take dance. That said, it would only make sense for there to be balanced conversations. However, if your man leads most of the conversations back to himself and shows no interested in you, then chances are that he will mimic the same behavior throughout a marriage.” ― Carin Goldstein, marriage and family therapist

6. You don’t feel like yourself around him.

“If your partner has a lot of ‘shoulds’ for you ― he wants you to be this way, and not that way ― you might find yourself playing a certain role that doesn’t really feel like you. Sometimes it’s your friends that tell you that you’ve changed. If he can’t be in relationship with you ― the real you ― then you might want to reconsider.” ― Gal Szekely, marriage and family therapist

7. He cannot say “no” to himself and others.

“Being a part of a marriage means that you have to make sacrifices and set boundaries. This means that you will have to put someone else’s needs before yours at times. It also requires that you set boundaries with others to protect the desires of your partner. He can’t muster up the courage to tell his ex to stop texting him because he’s in a relationship? He has a hard time telling his parents to stop meddling in his finances? He just doesn’t want to stick to a budget? If you find him really struggling with or avoiding these types of things, it may be a sign that he’s not ready to make the sacrifices that marriage entails.” ― Nari Jeter 

8. He has no interest in meeting or engaging with your family and close friends.

“Four words: It’s all about him. No bueno.” ― Carin Goldstein

9. Your friends don’t approve of him.

“When we are in love, especially at early stages, we don’t see our partner clearly. We are influenced by all the good hormones that are part of infatuation and we tend to ignore negative signs and affirm the positive ones. So before getting married it’s important to have your friends approve your partner. People that have known you for a long time can have interesting perspectives that you might not be able to see at this stage, and if you don’t ask them directly they might not tell you until it’s too late.” ― Gal Szekely

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