I’m excited to share an article by my friend and resident dating expert, Jesse Peterson! Jesse is the insightful and hilarious blogger behind Tinder District, a blog where she chronicles the trials and tribulations of dating in Washington D.C. and offers dating advice to fellow singles. Enjoy, and be sure to check out her blog for more!
Hey loves! How’s your dating life going? Are you finding that everyone on dating apps is the same? Well, I’ve got news for you – it’s because they are. I’ve been dating since I was like, 13 years old. Things have changed over the past decade, sure – we’ve transitioned from grabbing frozen custard at the local custard shop to grabbing craft beers at the local dive bar (ugh, hipsters), from shyly holding hands while watching a movie to hooking up under the guise of ‘watching Netflix.’ But the boys’ personalities? They haven’t changed one bit. Thus, I present to you, the Tinder District Guide to the 6 guys you’ll find on dating apps.
1. The Political Cutie
Typically categorized by a heavily-filtered picture of said gentleman in front of the White House or Capitol building, caption ‘Underwood 2016.’ This guy loves everything about politics – the press, the Capitol Hill bars, the access to galas at various embassies… you name it, he’ll fight your political views on it. Just don’t be surprised when he disappears on you for a few weeks at a time, only to come back with a wordy apology about how “things have just been SO busy, because Congress, and politics, and THE PRESIDENT, and…” Dude, you’re the office scheduler for a D-list member of the House, not John Kerry negotiating a cease fire in Gaza. Calm down, collect your paltry paycheck, and sharpen your pencil – you have shoe shine appointments to schedule.
2. The Hot Hipster
You probably met this guy at a local coffee shop when you complimented him on how well his vintage flannel matched his nitro cold brew coffee. You then began a whirlwind romance of indie concerts at coffee shops, trips to the farmers market, and lazy Saturdays in his community garden. It’s nice at the beginning, until you realize that he lacks all ambition whatsoever and is probably also hooking up with that chick in his group house who always smells like incense and grows weed in her room. Whatever – you know you’ll be happier with someone who knows how to use a washing machine, anyway.
3. The Frat Star
Thought college ended once you graduated? Oh contraire, mon ami. The Frat Star never graduates – after all, why would he let the glory days pass him by?! This boy is always spotted like his mom dressed him for Easter brunch in a uniform of khaki shorts, sperries, and a pastel polo. He has a fridge full of Bud Light, and when you ask for something less basic, he will defend his selection as “Ballin’ on a budget!” He will mention that he went to his school at every chance he gets, and invite you to dive-y college bars full of underage co-eds because he’s frat bros with the bartender and can probably get a shot on the house. Not that he needs it, you know, with mommy and daddy’s credit card in his pocket. Best move here is to use him for his money and then escape right out of the fraternity house you’ve found yourself in.
4. The Busy Young Professional
Armed with a business/engineering/other fancy shmancy degree from a nearby state school, this guy dove straight into the professional world – and into the dating pool. This guy’s salary makes him an ideal pick for a first date – that is, if you can ever find time to schedule one. Between his consulting schedule, investment banking hours, and kickball league, this guy’s booked up almost every night of the week. Your best bet? Meet him and his basic friends out at some fratty bar, hypnotize him by using a bunch of words like ‘synergy’ and ‘Wharton Business School,’ and ensnare him – or, at least, his wallet – in your clutches.
5. The Broke Grad Student
This guy’s Tinder profile will make your heart beat right out of your chest. “Law School”? Yassssss. “Med School”? Baby, I need some TLC. You schedule a date, and it’s only when he starts sweating as happy hour deals expire that you realize homeboy is chest-deep in student loans and you might find yourself left high and dry with the check. Yikes. Unless you’re looking for every date to be some version of ‘Netflix and Chill’ (using his roommate’s Netflix log-in, of course), you’re better off closing the books on this one. Unless you’re looking to play the long game… but ain’t nobody got time for that.
6. The Local Lad
At first glance, the local seems great. “He probably knows a ton of fun things to do! He can show me the coolest picnic spots and restaurants and places of urban lore!” Um, not so fast, sweetheart. Growing up in a city’s suburbs does not mean that one is familiar with the city, just as growing up in Orlando does not mean that you spent every day at Disney World, and growing up in London doesn’t mean that you went to Hogwarts (but how cool would that be?!). No, it only means that he knows the coolest places for high schoolers to smoke weed without getting caught. Awesome. Best case scenario: you can grocery shop in his parents’ pantry. Worst case scenario? …he still lives with his parents. Oof. Get out while you can.
So there you have it: every guy you could dream of swiping on, boiled down into six incredibly accurate categories. It’s a tough world out there, so remember to spot the warning signs, and good luck!