Super Bowl XLIII is just a few days away and, along with that enduring celebration of thinly-disguised homoeroticism, comes the even more enduring anticipation of the commercials that NBC will broadcast during that event. Huffington Post's illustrious contributor Victoria Gotch dismisses these commercials as "stupid" and if by "stupid" she means "the best commercials that $3 million for 30 seconds of air time can buy," then I must agree, with the whole of my heart. Some sneak previews:
Guys Like Beer Beer - Picture: Two guys at home kicking back, eating wings, watching MMA and about to pop open some ice cold Guys Like Beer Beer when...their girlfriends show up, all nagging and, like, "I thought we were going out tonight" and the usual girlfriend stuff, you know what I'm talking about. Enter: The Guys Like Beer Beer Beer Guy! He beats the shit out of the ladies and steals their shoes, thus allowing the guys more time for each other and more importantly...their beer! Why? Because Guys Like Beer Beer is for guys who like beer! And why is that? Because guys like beer!!
GoodLuckInAllYourFutureEndeavors.com - In the tradition of internet recruitment websites like Monster.com, this alerts people who currently have jobs as to exactly when they will be fired during the next six months. GoodLuckInAllYourFutureEndeavors.com has resources inside every business sector that will give unsuspecting employees around the country up to five precious hours before the axe falls. Why, just listen to this stirring testimonial from former Caterpillar manager Jackson O. Polenter:
GoodLuckInAllYourFutureEndeavors.com restored some dignity to a difficult situation and supplied the extra time I needed to plan and wreak bloody revenge on all who wronged me. Thanks, GoodLuckInAllYourFutureEndeavors.com! I regret nothing!
Pepsi With Ammonia - After Pepsi Extreme, Rectal Pepsi, and Diet Pepsi With Sweetbreads, the soft drink giant will unveil its new twist on the classic soft drink, for a generation that's not afraid to live on the edge or mix things with household bleach! All the great taste you have come to expect from Pepsi, plus the added kick of NH. What--are you afraid? Are you a pussy? Come on--it's still better than Mountain Dew!
Radium Coke - Not to be outdone by rival Pepsi, Coca-Cola introduces its latest product with an epic commercial that salutes its own 1971 hilltop "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" ad, with a cross-section of new, hip young people singing at night, their bodies aglow in radioactive luminousness caused by ingesting the metallic element. Touchingly beautiful, beautifully touching.
The Ford Hellfreezer - At last: American automotive technology and ingenuity are delivering the ultimate environmentally sound hybrid vehicle whose emissions actually purify the air while providing unheard of fuel efficiency and manly, supercharged power with immediate response when you step on the pedal--all for only $15,000! (note: will not be ready until 2546; prices may rise accordingly.)
Joe Mama (NBC) - From the producers of All-Star Beheadings and "Howie Mandel's Celebrity Catheter," comes this emotionally charged reality show for the spring in which ten fast-track career women are given promotions, then drugged and impregnated by NBC President and CEO Jeff Zucker, then told that Roe vs. Wade has been overturned by the Supreme Court. Who will be first to get across the border for an "illegal" abortion and who will be stuck with an unwanted child that will receive no love?
The Mongoloids - Highly anticipated trailer for one of Judd Apatow's 35 comedies this year: Ace (Seth Rogen) and Jeb (Paul Rudd) are hard-up single guys who watch so much porn, smoke so much pot, and play so many video games that they inadvertently reassemble their DNA and develop Down's syndrome. Much to their surprise, hot women revel in their lovable, tongue-protruding, drool-flinging ways, with laughs and lessons aplenty.
PETA Ad #2 - Now that NBC has rejected PETA's commercial which featured scantily dressed models masturbating with vegetables as "not utilizing enough summer squash," the animal rights organization is going with an old standby: footage of Scottish Fold kitties in a sock intercut with Nazis, drunk frat boys tipping cows, dancing animated pigs from "Hee Haw," obese men stuck to vinyl couches, and Iron Eyes Cody crying beet juice.
Balderdash Investments - One of the country's oldest and most trusted financial firms reveals a new, more transparent approach in dealing with its clients that befits the Obama era. President Stanley Balderdash V tells viewers that he and his highly-paid advisers have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on and, at no time in the past, ever did. "Balderdash Investments. We've got nothing. But at least we admit it."