Well it's finally here -- Snowzilla, Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon, a.k.a. "The Jonas Blizzard" is upon us. It's like the end of the world, but instead of hellfire and brimstone, we've got yellow snow and black ice. The entire East Coast of the United States is getting slammed with a range of freezing rain, sleet, ice or a blizzard. Major cities like Baltimore and Washington D.C. have given multiple travel warnings to its residents and New York City has even announced a travel ban. Many people wonder how they're supposed to get around to purchase necessities. Not too many people have a four-wheeler, a snowmobile, or a tauntaun.
It's important always to have all the proper supplies when being besieged by God's Ice Bucket Challenge. I'd recommend an ice scraper or a mixtape to get the ice off your windows, a portable battery charger for your phone in case you get stuck in the snow, snacks and maybe some matches in case you break down and have to light yourself or your friends on fire for heat.
My personal snack favorites are what I refer to as "The Bachelor's MREs": Hot Pockets, Pop Tarts, frozen pizzas and T.V. Dinners. If these words are foreign to you, visit your single friends still living in their mother's basement with a cat-they'll hook you up so you won't starve. If you haven't gone grocery shopping yet, let's hope you've at least gotten the necessities-milk and bread. Although their blizzard-proof powers are yet unknown to man, it seems the bare necessities these days are simply milk and bread. We're not sure how milk or bread will sustain you in a crippling blizzard but by the looks of empty grocery store shelves, they seem to be the superfood of any snowmageddon.
When you do go out to shop or simply play in the snow, make sure you bundle up and don't stay out too long or you could get frostbite, hypothermia, or worse-wind up like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Remember, this is the weather your grandparents had to walk up hills wearing no shoes both ways just to get to school. If you do it right, you could become a legend and tell your grandkids about it every time you see them when you're old, then hopefully you'll be immortalized with the gods.
Jack may look awfully scary, but trust me-people make foolish fashion decisions every day and often don't wear a coat or proper attire when going out in the snow. Most people haven't seen so much white outside since Whole Foods had a sale on Pabst Blue Ribbon before a Mumford and Sons concert. It's imperative to dress warmly because everyone knows that humans don't store up fat for the winter to keep them warm-they do it so they can throw their weight around.
If you don't heed my warnings concerning yourself, please keep an eye out for all the animals. Make sure they have a place to go to the bathroom, and they're dressed warmly if they're going to be out for a bit. Besides, nothing is as cute as a button more than a pug or a cat dressed like an eskimo. Cats may act like pretentious little jerks sometimes, but they won't last long in the cold... unless they're super cat:
However you dress or don't dress your animals, keep an eye out on those little boogers, and watch out for yellow snow.
Personally, I'd rather stay inside and look at all the annoying pictures on Instagram of someone else's back yard covered in snow because mine isn't boring enough. Staying inside is warmer, safer, more fattening, more "Netflixy" and an all around better bet in my opinion. Why go outside when you could just spend the day staring at pictures of your friend's kids on Facebook waffling around in the snow like dying seals stuck in quicksand? Whatever you decide to do, be safe, stay warm and have fun. I'm looking forward to summer so I can start complaining about the heat again because complaining about this winter chill is exhausting!